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musesandlyrics: Making Everything New
Oct. 11th, 2009 01:54 pm"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."
He stayed close to the door, because Sam knew the moment those hazel eyes in the bed opened, he needed to get out of there. Dean was in that bed because of him. Dean had let himself get beaten to hell and it was all Sam's fault.
Sam wished he could blame someone else. Blame Alistair for beating Dean into a pulp. Blame Ruby for getting him hooked again. Blame Dad for dying and leaving Sam to face a world he hadn't been ready to. Blame Dean for not just letting Sam take his punishment.
But no, it was Sam's fault. He hadn't cared what his path did to him, but seeing Dean like this... He couldn't help but stand there and shake.
"Dean... I'm sorry..." he said softly, wiping his face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Cas had left him here to watch over Dean for the night while Pam took care of his injuries. Thinking that it would save him from hearing the two of them - or Pam's idea of trying to make Sam laugh - he had agreed to stay. Now he wasn't sure it was a good idea.
"That shouldn't be you. You shouldn't have done that, Dean. He wouldn't have hurt you if you just walked away. You should have just walked away."
His face scrunched up and his hand hit the wall behind him absently. "Why do you always have to be the martyr? You keep punishing yourself for everyone else's choices. This was what I did. I should have paid for it. I lost the money. I fucked up. I didn't ASK you to do this, and I didn't WANT you to."
He wiped his eyes again, not getting any response from the unconscious body in the bed, and for that he was grateful. "You were just supposed to let me go, Dean. Get something good in your life and not screw it up because you felt you had to take care of me."
His back was against the wall and he didn't bother to wipe away the tears. "I want to be good, Dean. I want to stay clean this time but I can't tell you that. You won't believe me. You left me in that place and they let me go and didn't care. I can't do this on my own, but I can't do it with you either. You can't protect me from this like it's a schoolyard bully."
Biting his lip, Sam slid to the ground. "I just want us to be like it was before. We were happy. I was in school and you were working with Dad and we were happy. Why did you let Dad get killed, Dean? Why couldn't we just have stayed happy?"
He stayed there, working to get himself back together as the electronic beep of Dean's heart stayed steady. Finally, Sam pushed himself to his feet. "You need to be happy, Dean. You can't be happy with me like this. But I'm going to get better. I promise. I won't make this have been in vain, ok? Just, give me time and I can do it. I know I can. I'll... I need to go get something to drink but I'll be back."
The doctors told him he might get shaky when his body was close to craving, so he needed to get something to drink at those points. Something he likes to drink, like soda or coffee or milk. It would help with the drug cravings, and he had a few dollars in his pockets to get something from the machines.
He stopped in the door and looked back at his brother, then gave him a small smile. "Just... don't go anywhere."
Sam is technically not a part of Muses & Lyrics as his application is still pending, but he really fell in love with this prompt and had to reply. I hope he's official soon :)
He stayed close to the door, because Sam knew the moment those hazel eyes in the bed opened, he needed to get out of there. Dean was in that bed because of him. Dean had let himself get beaten to hell and it was all Sam's fault.
Sam wished he could blame someone else. Blame Alistair for beating Dean into a pulp. Blame Ruby for getting him hooked again. Blame Dad for dying and leaving Sam to face a world he hadn't been ready to. Blame Dean for not just letting Sam take his punishment.
But no, it was Sam's fault. He hadn't cared what his path did to him, but seeing Dean like this... He couldn't help but stand there and shake.
"Dean... I'm sorry..." he said softly, wiping his face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Cas had left him here to watch over Dean for the night while Pam took care of his injuries. Thinking that it would save him from hearing the two of them - or Pam's idea of trying to make Sam laugh - he had agreed to stay. Now he wasn't sure it was a good idea.
"That shouldn't be you. You shouldn't have done that, Dean. He wouldn't have hurt you if you just walked away. You should have just walked away."
His face scrunched up and his hand hit the wall behind him absently. "Why do you always have to be the martyr? You keep punishing yourself for everyone else's choices. This was what I did. I should have paid for it. I lost the money. I fucked up. I didn't ASK you to do this, and I didn't WANT you to."
He wiped his eyes again, not getting any response from the unconscious body in the bed, and for that he was grateful. "You were just supposed to let me go, Dean. Get something good in your life and not screw it up because you felt you had to take care of me."
His back was against the wall and he didn't bother to wipe away the tears. "I want to be good, Dean. I want to stay clean this time but I can't tell you that. You won't believe me. You left me in that place and they let me go and didn't care. I can't do this on my own, but I can't do it with you either. You can't protect me from this like it's a schoolyard bully."
Biting his lip, Sam slid to the ground. "I just want us to be like it was before. We were happy. I was in school and you were working with Dad and we were happy. Why did you let Dad get killed, Dean? Why couldn't we just have stayed happy?"
He stayed there, working to get himself back together as the electronic beep of Dean's heart stayed steady. Finally, Sam pushed himself to his feet. "You need to be happy, Dean. You can't be happy with me like this. But I'm going to get better. I promise. I won't make this have been in vain, ok? Just, give me time and I can do it. I know I can. I'll... I need to go get something to drink but I'll be back."
The doctors told him he might get shaky when his body was close to craving, so he needed to get something to drink at those points. Something he likes to drink, like soda or coffee or milk. It would help with the drug cravings, and he had a few dollars in his pockets to get something from the machines.
He stopped in the door and looked back at his brother, then gave him a small smile. "Just... don't go anywhere."
Sam is technically not a part of Muses & Lyrics as his application is still pending, but he really fell in love with this prompt and had to reply. I hope he's official soon :)