likely_evil | Broken Winchester on the Doorstep

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Broken Winchester on the Doorstep - for horsewoman_lana

ooc: Dean referred to here is

winchesterjerk, ~~abused~~used with permission.

After Dean was out of the hospital, Sam had continued his hovering in the motel as Dean recovered. Asking him every five minutes if he needed something. Wanted something. Finally, around day 2 of this, Dean gave Sam a look and told him that Sam needed to go out and get some air before he suffocated him.

Of course, he threatened to kill Sam if he did so much as scratch the Impala.

Sam decided to take a drive. Fresh air, open road, music on the Ipod that sat in the passenger seat so that he could detach it and not freak Dean out again with it's presence. He didn't have any place really in mind as to where he was going, but as he passed the road sign announcing his arrival in Smallville, Kansas, did Sam recognize his unconscious path.

Finding Lana's place was easy. Walking to her door was a bit harder, and suddenly he just felt the weight of the world on his shoulders because of everything that had been happening and life was spinning out of control and he just needed something.

Something Dean couldn't give him. Something even Ruby couldn't give him. And so he turned to the only other person he knew that could.

He rang the bell, and just stood there, hoping Lana was home and alone. Because otherwise they might witness at very tall man breaking down like a baby in her arms.

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He got up, away, needing space to breathe. "You don't understand... they will kill you if they know. They have. They will and they will do it slow and painful and I can't let that happen to anyone else. Not now."

She stood herself, though she stayed where she was. "I'm not afraid, Sam. If it happens, it happens."

"NO!" He tried to back away and tripped on a crack in the floor, falling to the ground. He wrapped his hands around his knees, burying his face in them.

"I can't lose another person... I can't. Please don't do this... please..." he whispered softly.

She moved toward him, sat beside him, facing him. "Sam...even if I never said it, it wouldn't stop it from being true...believe me, I tried..." She was starting to cry again. "I tried not to..."

"You can't throw away your life because of me. I won't let you." He was shaking, trying not to break down again.

She put a hand on his arm. "I'm not, not the way I see it. Throwing my life away would be changing the way I live just because I'm threatened. I don't do that. Life is too short as it is." A sniff. "Besides...no one can hurt me any more than what's already been done to me..."

"They can and they will," Sam said, lifting his head to look her in the eyes. "I've watched it happen in front of my eyes, and I can't go through that again..."

He closed his eyes. "Take it back, Lana, please..."

"I can't!" She moved behind him on her knees and wrapped her arms around him. "I won't. My whole life I've felt like there was a part of me missing, and with you...I've never felt so whole. Never."

He was still a moment, then slowly his hands went up to touch her arms, then squeezed them tightly.

"I feel the same way. I keep pushing it aside because I don't want to see you get hurt. I can't promise you anything, or that I'll even be alive in a few days because of my job. I'm only going to bring you heartache and death."

"It's nothing I don't already have," she whispered.

"You deserve better than me."

"But I don't want better. I want you."

He turned his head to look at her. His hazel eyes were so scared, afraid that he was going to be the death of her. That he wouldn't be able to save her just like all the other women he cared about.

He had to be strong for Dean. He couldn't be weak, and yet here he was, crying on Lana's floor, shaking and afraid because he knew he did love Lana from the first moment they had kissed, and he just wanted her to hold him and make all the bad monsters go away.

Things Dean used to do for him as a kid. Things Dean couldn't anymore because they knew the monsters intimately. Monsters inside of them. And they wouldn't ever go away, and day by day Dean became weaker and Sam became the stronger...

But he still needed someone to hold him and tell him things were going to be alright and find a way to make him believe it, if only for a moment.

Lana gave him a weak, tearful grin. "It's okay, Sam," she whispered. She wasn't sure what she was saying was okay, just that she wanted to comfort him, to take away his fear and pain, even if it was short-lived.

He turned more into her, putting his forehead against hers and just clinging to her a bit before tilting his head and just kissing her. Needing the affection for that, nothing more.

Just needing to be touched and loved and reminded what was still good in this world.

She returned it, hands automatically finding their way to either side of his face.

His hands tightened on her arms, kissing her harder, pulling her closer and just wanting to take all of her in.

Her hands slid from his face and into his hair, trying to get as close as she could.

It wasn't too long before hands were exploring from both of them, taking moments to learn each other as each layer was taking away. The pace was fast - Sam was broken and desperate and needed her more than he could describe in words. But he was still gentle, not wanting to hurt her.

He never wanted to hurt her. That would come eventually - he was a Winchester and she was in love with him. It would only be a matter of time before she got hurt.

Their intimacy moved from the living room to the bedroom without either knowing it until their frenzied passion was spent and he lay panting in her arms, holding her tightly as if he never planned to let her go.

It was different - much different than the moments of passion with Ruby. With Ruby it was about taking out his hate and anger with her. With Lana, it was the need to be cared for. The need to feel loved even if he felt he wasn't worthy of it from her.

The need for hope that maybe, just maybe there was a happy ending that could come from it if they all survived. And it was that hope that he held onto as tightly as he did her in the bed.

Lana leaned her head against his chest while she tried to catch her breath. Even then she kept her gaze raised toward his face.

"...wow..."

"Yeah, my thoughts exactly," he said softly, looking at her.

She couldn't help the smile that was spreading across her face. The hand resting on his shoulder moved to his face. She stared at him for a few moments.

"You don't happen to remember knocking something soft and fuzzy off the bed, do you?" She asked softly. Another smile, this time with a slight blush. "The bear you sent pretty much stays here..."

He smiled, amazed that she kept the bear that close. "No, I think I missed it. And to look would involve me having to get out of bed. Think it would get jealous if I substituted in for him tonight?"

"Well it's been substituting for you this whole time so..."

"You realize Dean and Chloe are going to have a field day with this, right?"

Broken Winchester on the Doorstep - for horsewoman_lana

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