likely_evil | Letters: Faith

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Letters: Faith

Among other possessions that Sam had left behind, there were a few envelopes with names written in Sam's handwriting. Dean. Bobby. Faith. There is an address on Faith's, and he did it on purpose. He needed to give his brother the option on how he was going to handle this one...

Faith,

Let me prelude this by asking you not to kill my brother. We all make our choices in life, and this one was mine to make. All wars have casualties, and I knew a long time ago that with this one, it was going to be my head on the chopping block. He's got enough going on with this that a concussion isn't going to help any.

So yeah. If you're reading this... it worked. Of course, I'm not going to be able to tell you this in person, but I wanted to let you know that I did it. We figured out how to get Lucifer back into Hell and save the world. But the only way to do it was for me to say yes so I could jump into the pit and take him with me.

I just... I wanted to make sure you knew what really happened. And I wanted to say thank you for being there for me. I wouldn't have had the strength to get here if it wasn't for you these last few weeks. If you hadn't been here, I would have lost it long before when Dean left.

You mean the world to me, Faith. I know I never said it. I don't think it was something that I could have said. ~~or you would have wanted to hear~~. But you understood that side of me I hated and made me realize in the end that it was a part of who I was, and that I could be myself and not let the fear of it control me.

~~I'm not afraid anymore.~~ Ok, yeah, that's bullshit. I am afraid. But I'm at peace with this choice, because I know when this is done, and I am going to succeed in this... that my sacrifice will let everyone I care about continue to live on for me.

Faith... you're more to me than a body to hold. You mean more to me than that. You are more than that, and I hope one day that you'll see that. There's a lot more to you than you give yourself credit for, and now that the world isn't about to end, I hope you get all the time in the world to finally see it. ~~I wish I could be there to see it~~

I wish it could be different, but this is just the way it has to be. And I'm sorry if you think this is a shitty way to end it, but the alternative would be much worse.

~~I think I was starting to...~~ Thank you, though, for being there for me.

- Sam

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"Fucked up when you think about it. This is as good as its ever gonna get." She was quiet as she thought about it and some of her anger returned. The world around them really was as good as it got, and that wasn't saying much. And yet... so many people had died for it. Almost didn't seem worth it.

"At least we have a choice there," Dean sighed, taking a long sip of his whiskey before looking back at her. "Going up or down? You're pretty much just along for the ride."

Faith could only snort while chugging back a fair amount of whiskey. "Still, doesn't seem worth it sometimes."

It went without saying that now was one of those times, especially as her fingers played over the edge of the envelope sitting next to her.

He was quiet for a minute, trying for the moment to push aside the idea of Sam being gone and thinking about what he had the possibility of having in Indiana. "Some of it is."

"At least you're gettin' somethin' out of it." The same couldn't be said for everyone.

Dean looked up at her, before shrugging. "Who says you're not gettin' anythin'? You lived, Faith. You can do whatever the hell you want with that."

"Oh yeah. Livin' large." Faith rolled her eyes.

"Council still wants me dead for helpin' you and Sam. My options are pretty limited."

Dean shrugged. "Well, if an archangel happened to show up and tell them to back the fuck off, how do you think they would take it? Because I know one who happens to owe me one."

"Think I'd actually pay to see that." The bottle was nearly empty by that point which was a shame. It was a distraction. Something to keep her hands occupied and off of that white rectangle. Curiosity burned through her, the desire to know what it said was hard to ignore, but reading it would make this final. It would be real.

"I don't wanna read this." The admission was low.

"So don't," Dean sighed, finishing off the rest of his glass and reaching for the notepad that was sitting on the table and writing down a cell number. "My job was to get it here -- whether or not you open it is on you."

He spun the pad around to face her. "That's a direct line to Cas. Say Sam owes you a favor and he'll take care of the Watcher's Council for you."

"You give shitty advice."

Faith took the pad with an incredulous look. "Your archangel has a cell phone?"

Dean swallowed hard. "That was usually Sam's end of the deal. I was the one who hit things. A lot."

"For emergencies," he chuckled. "In the early days of the Apocalypse, Cas embedded these symbols on our ribs, to hide us from angels. Unfortunately that included him, so he got the phone to keep in touch."

She nod. "Yeah, I get that."

Faith stood and stuck her hands in her pockets. "Guess stranger things have happened. Angels with cell phones. Us havin' a civil conversation if you don't count us beatin' the hell outta each other."

"I like to chalk that up as necessary to the grieving process." Dean glanced down at his cup and sighed. He didn't feel anywhere near drunk enough, but he could find another liquor store later when he crashed for the night. For right now, he just didn't want to be here when Faith decided she wanted to read that letter.

"Look, I meant what I said about calling if you need it. If you need someone to watch your back, you know where to find me."

"Guess people like us need that extra step. Physical violence. But yeah. Calling."

There's a weight on her shoulders that's bogging her down and she sighs, suddenly more tired than she's been in ages. "This girl of yours know about your extra curriculars?"

"Kind of," Dean shrugged. "She knows the Great Illustrated Classics version. I saved her kid from a changeling once."

"Then I hope you can make it work." The funny part was that she meant it.

"Me too," he nodded, giving her a small smile. "I hope things pan out for you too."

"Made it this long, right?" Faith nod over at the pad with Cas' number on it.

"Besides, got a direct line to an archangel now."

Dean chuckled. "There ya go."

He reached for his keys, before starting to head towards the door. "I'll see you around, Faith."

"Not if I can help it." She offered him a crooked smile. "You're out of the game now, remember?"

He laughed. "Yeah. Guess so."

He opened the door, and leaned against the doorframe. "Thanks for the whiskey."

"Thanks for bein' a human punchin' bag." Faith moved toward him and held the door.

"Phone thing works both ways. Just because you quit doesn't mean the shit out there is gonna get the memo. You find yourself in trouble, hit me up."

Dean nodded. "I'll do that."

He pushed away from the doorframe and turned to close the door behind him. "Later, Faith."

"Later, Dean."

The door clicked shut and she fastened the chain. With the room empty there was no avoiding the rectangular envelope sitting on the bed like the purple elephant in the room. Slipping the pills from her bag and popping three of them, Faith sat down on the comforter. It took forty minutes of staring at it before she gave in and slipped a finger nail under the flap to get at the letter inside.

The distinctive scrawl of Sam's writing greeted her as she began to read. A gamut of emotions worked through her, anger and sadness the predominant two. Despite Sam's best efforts to cross out certain parts, she was still able to make them out and it made her heart clench painfully in her chest. It wasn't until a water droplet fell onto the page in her hand that she realized she'd even started crying, wondering just what the hell had been going through his mind as he'd been writing.

Wiping away her tears with an angry hand she put the letter on the night stand to splash water over her face. This wasn't something she could deal with. She was tired and cold, angry and also painfully numb. In a fit of desperate anger she swept everything that had been on the counter off of it and taking some small satisfaction in the sound of glass shattering. It set her off and spurred her on until she was mindlessly tearing apart whatever she could get her hands on.

It wasn't until much later, once most of the major pieces of furniture in the room had been destroyed, that she collapsed in the middle of the room and let herself cry.

Sam was gone, and so was any chance she had of telling him what he'd meant to her. It was the last thought she had when the pills and alcohol finally took effect and she slipped into a fitful sleep.

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Letters: Faith

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