Sam Winchester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likely_evil) wrote2009-12-13 10:37 pm
likely_evil) wrote2009-12-13 10:37 pm
Entry tags:
In Which Sam does his first full wolf change...
ooc: Murphy is ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
lieu_murphy and the rest of the pack are all her NPC's. Co-Written with the mun
After the first night where Sam managed to change himself back from the werewolf on his own, his strength and control had been growing. He was still nervous, but knowing that he could do it if he focused boosted his confidence enough that by the time the first signs of winter started to show up in Yellowstone Park, Sam was confident that he wasn't going to change during a full moon cycle unless he wanted to change on his own.
But that was only the beginning, and he knew it. Now he had to learn how to change, instead of resiting the change. He wanted to know how to change into a full wolf too, not the type that he and Dean had hunted, or how Madison had looked those night after...
He had been trying on his own but he always stopped when it started to hurt. The pain was not unbearable as it had been before he got control, but it felt like his body was breaking and he wasn't sure if it was right or not to feel that. Finally he made his way to where the pack was in the living room after dinner and took a deep breath. He was pretty sure they had been waiting for him to get to this point.
"I need you to show me how to change. I've been trying and I can't figure it out."
The pack was scattered in the various chairs of the living room with the high members in the comfiest places while Butters sprawled on the floor with Anna, coloring. Murphy looked up from a few reports and raised an eyebrow at Sam.
"If you're still scared, it's not going to work," Murphy said and tossed her reports onto the coffee table. "Are you scared Sam?"
Sam nodded. "Of course I am. Not so much that I'm going to lose control. I think I have that down. But it hurts, a lot. And I don't know what it's going to be like when I get there." He was being very honest, especially when Murphy asked him direct questions.
She sighed, "It hurts for all of us. That'll never go away."
"It's hard, I know," Heather said, smiling gently at Sam. "You got to breathe through it. Think of something better. We've all got something better we think about when we changed."
He sucked on his lower lip a moment. He really wanted to figure this out, and he had thought that perhaps he had just been over-thinking it, like he always did. "Like what?" he asked Heather. The last few weeks he had really come to depend on her for a lot of things.
Heather glanced at Murphy for permission before she went on. "I think about how it feels in the summer to run around the park, to be free and exploring. I think about anything that makes me happy. It gets me through and then when it's over, it's over and you get to be a wolf."
Smiling a bit, he nodded. "I don't think I have something like that I can pull from, but I can try to find something."
"No happy memories?" Kirmani snorted a bit. "You're like Morgan."
The other wolf simply rolled his eyes and kept reading.
"I've got a few, but remembering them makes me sad afterward because I can't have them again. It's been hard the last few years."
"Well," Heather looked around, "You're happy here right? You could think about what makes you happy about being here?"
"He likes bacon, maybe he should think about that," Butters muttered, earning him a slight glare from Anna who was the only one close enough to hear him.
Sam looked at her and smiled. "That could work."
She smiled back, but Murphy stepped in. "Getting to the final step is really something we can only offer advice on. Actually becoming the wolf is something you have to figure out on your own."
He nodded and sighed. "I guess I'll try again. Is there somewhere specific I should be trying to do this so that I don't make a mess or anything?"
"Anywhere you're comfortable. If you need to go some place, I'll drive you," Murphy said with a slight shrug.
Sam thought for a moment and then looked outside at the stars he could see through the window. "I haven't been outside at night in a long time. Is there a clearing nearby perhaps?"
"I know a place." Murphy got to her feet and went over to the door to get her keys. "Grab a jacket. It's getting cold out."
"Thanks." Sam was already in his hiking boots so he grabbed his jacket and zipped up quickly. "I think being under the stars will help a lot."
"Being outside tends to help us all." Murphy shrugged into her ranger's jacket and grabbed a scarf before heading outside towards her SUV.
He trailed behind obediently, getting in after she was in. "My brother and I grew up on the road," he said as they started to drive. "I used to fall asleep counting stars when we were traveling. It relaxes me."
"The wolf always likes nature." She turned the engine over and started driving down the back roads and trails she knew from working with the park's department and exploring on her own. They went pretty far from the house, to a little open patch surrounded by trees. She parked just inside the trees and then hopped out, figuring Sam would follow her.
Which he did, rubbing his hands together as he walked around the SUV and into the clearing. He could see his breath and it was obvious winter was right around the corner. Craning his neck up, he could see all the stars in the sky since there was no lights to block them. "That's just beautiful."
"Yeah, kid. It is." She smiled at him, giving him time to work this out at his own pace.
Sam looked around at the trees, then saw a large rock just off the center of the clearing that he could sit on. He did so, then looked down at his hands and just tried to focus on it. He could imagine what a wolf looked like. He didn't know what he was going to look like, but he knew what the others looked like and figured it would be similar to it. He wanted to just start small and see if he could just force himself to grow some fur, and he just stared at his arm and tried to will it to happen. But it just wasn't happening.
"You're thinking too much," Murphy said when she saw he wasn't changing. "Stop thinking and feel it."
"How do I know if what I'm feeling is what I'm supposed to be feeling?" He turned to look at her.
"It'll feel right. It'll feel like the wolf."
Sam sighed in frustration because that wasn't really helping him. He looked back up at the stars, wondering if they held any answers. He could see the edge of the moon rising over the treeline. It wasn't full, but it would be soon.
Then he felt it, starting in his chest. Something in him smelt the fresh air, saw the moon and wanted to howl in greeting. Sam clasped onto that and just let himself feel that rush...
Then he felt the pain and fell to his hands and knees as he felt his body twist inside of his skin. His fingers grabbed onto the dirt and he tried to push back the tears. He lost the grip on that feeling and just knelt there, panting and breathing hard to get past the pain.
Murphy stood back and watched. There wasn't anything more she could do. Either Sam would figure it out or he wouldn't.
Heather told him to work through the pain. Find something to distract him. Breathe. Gritting his teeth, Sam refused to give up, not now. He needed to prove he could do this, and he was too stubborn to give up now when he had felt it. He was close and he knew it. He looked up at the sky again, trying to find that urge to howl at the moon again. He shut his eyes, feeling the pain again but he kept focusing on the howling. Finding a memory of him and Dean in the back of the Impala annoying Dad as he howled at a full moon, not knowing yet about the reality of the monsters. Not knowing that years later, he was going to want to howl. Need to howl...
The howl from Sam's throat was distinctively wolf as he had shifted while his eyes were closed. And then it turned to a whimper as he fell over, trapped in the human clothing that was choking him and making him unable to move his back legs. "Help me!" he tried to shout to Murphy, but it came out as a series of barks and cries of a distressed animal.
It wasn't the right thing to do, but Murphy burst out laughing. Sam had done it and she was really proud, but it was just too funny watching him struggle in his clothes. She was going to have to remind him that it worked better if you took off the clothes first.
"Easy, kid," Murphy said as she went over to help him. "You'll learn how to deal with the clothes as time goes on."
Sam whimpered, keeping himself still until Murphy was able to help him get out of the clothing. Once he was free, he tried to get to his feet, but it was strange and he couldn't find a balance, and kept stumbling sideways and his front paws were spread wide to keep himself up. It took him a moment to get still, then he lifted his head and looked around. His eyes were seeing the world differently. It wasn't as dark now and he could see into the shadows. He sniffed the air and there were so many scents that he shook his head. Too much pine smell. Looking down, he saw the white paws and tried to lift one to look at it, throwing himself completely off balance and he had to struggle to get it back again before falling over.
Murphy sat down on the ground and put her head between her knees as she lost it completely. Watching Sam struggle with his feet was just as funny as watching him struggle with his clothes. The four feet thing could be tricky but she'd been walking like that for years and it was just so funny watching him stumble and trip. Man, it was going to be hilarious watching him run for the first time. She was going to make sure he had plenty of snow banks to fall into when he tried.
"Sam, listen to your inner wolf. It knows how to walk already," she said when she managed to stop laughing. "I can't really tell you how to."
Her laughing made him jump away, so loud... louder than he was used to. He looked over at her, and his facial expression was still very Sam in being put out and pitiful. But he had landed on his feet and managed to not topple over. "Not funny," he said, but it came out as a loud bark. Then he looked shocked and jumped again at his own voice and looked at her. He couldn't talk? Why couldn't he talk?!
"You're a wolf. Stop trying to talk." She rolled her eyes, amused. "Use body language."
That just got her a whimper and a pitiful look.
She patted him on the head. "You'll get used to it, kid."
Her touch felt different: like there was hundreds of little nerves feeling it, telling him exactly where her hand was before he even felt the pressure against his skin. He ducked his head away on instinct from the strange feeling, his eyes showing that he was trying to understand it all as he sniffed the air, then her. Murphy smelt.. different. He leaned forward, his nose lifting as he tried to get closer to smell her a bit without actually moving his feet.
Murphy wished she had a camera that would have been great, but she just held her hand out so he could smell it. The world was a very different place for him right now.
Sam got closer, sniffing her hand until he took a careful step forward, wobbly but he was trusting his new body to move him. He ended up bumping his nose against her palm, then pulled back and wiggled it a bit at the sensitivity there. He thought a moment, then pressed his nose against her again, then moved so that her hand moved along his nuzzle. He felt the tingles again, and figured that the tingles were the ends of the fur feeling the object before it put pressure against his body.
"Maybe I should have sent Heather with you instead. I bet she'd give you a belly rub," she teased, letting him investigate her hand.
That idea sounded ridiculous to Sam, but the wolf liked it. He moved to get her hand to get it up on the top of his head like before, and something about that area made Sam close his eyes and give a doggy smile as he pressed against her hand more.
"Yeah, I'm sending Heather next time." She started to rub behind his ear.
That got a happy noise out and Sam... and then he toppled over from losing his balance from trying to press against her hand more.
She started laughing again, hard.
Sam huffed and tried to get back on his feet, and after a few seconds he figured it out, still a bit wobbly but he was trying. He then sniffed the air, trying to walk around a bit, trusting his legs a bit more as he moved. When he was confident he stopped and looked down at his paws again, using one to dig into the ground a bit and feel the dirt moving between his claws. He then leaned his head down to sniff at the ground. He got a bit of dirt up his nose and sneezed before bringing a paw up to rub at his nose.
Murphy's sides were starting to hurt she was laughing so much. She decided to save herself and stepped back from Sam. She took her jacket off and then transformed into her own wolf form. She bounced around Sam, grinning and inviting him to play. He probably wouldn't know how, but hey, every wolf had to learn.
He hunched a bit, intimidated by her bounciness. He watched her, circling a bit, studying her movements like he was trying to figure out what she was doing and how he could do it himself.
She rolled her eyes slightly and ducked down on her front paws, tail in the air. It was the universal sign for play in canines.
It was, however seeing her tail made Sam's eyes widen and he turned to try and look over his shoulder. Did he have a tail now? He tried to look, and he thought he saw something but he couldn't see it fully and started to walk in circles as he tried to catch it so he could look at it.
Murphy sat down and did her best to laugh while a wolf. It didn't quite work as well as it did when she was human but the kid was so funny just learning his wolf side. After a moment though she threw her head back and howled, calling the pack who might have been close enough to hear if the wind was right.
The howl startled him and Sam stopped, jumping back and crouching down instinctively, then saw her sitting and tilted his head, moving his back paws to figure out just how the hell he was supposed to do that with legs that bent differently now. He got it pretty quickly though and sat down, watching her a moment before lifting his head to look up at the stars.
She kept howling, as a way to communicate and mark territory. She was warning the local wolves not to bother them. Real wolves knew they weren't like them and avoided them because of it. Murphy still wanted to re-enforce that desire because Sam was new.
He didn't know she was doing that, and just thought she was howling at the moon to howl. He remembered doing it as a kid and joined in with her howl happily.
She'd have to teach him how communicating as a wolf worked, but that would take the other pack members to help. Right now, it was just a good time to howl and have a little fun as a wolf.
He howled again, then lowered his head back to look at her, smiling. It was new. It was different. But Sam was liking this and he felt his tail wag behind him in response to that and he gave a wolf type laugh. He then tried to get into that pose she had been in before with her head down, tail up. Not sure what it was as he was more imitating her than anything else, but she had been happy when she made that pose.
When he ducked down into a play bow, she did too and then leapt forward at him then bounced to the side. She ran around him, leaping and jumping while trying to get him to imitate her some more.
He jumped back when she jumped forward, and he walked around her, watching carefully. He slowly tried to jump his front paws up a bit, his backs still on the ground. They were tiny at first, getting used to the shift in balance before he started getting bigger bounces. He yipped a bit, enjoying this. It was fun.
There we go, Murphy was much happier about him now. He was really getting into it. She tried to get him to chase her, darting away and then darting back.
He saw that and tried to jump at her when she darted in, seeing if he could pounce on top of her.
He couldn't. She was quick to get out of the way and get behind him.
Well, he was a fast learning and literally bounced around in a 180 and only just stumbled a bit as his back feet came off the ground and didn't land until the front paws had already hit dirt. He managed not to go face first into the ground though.
She stopped to laugh at him as best she could. He was getting the hang of it though. She was proud.
She was distracted so he bounced right back up, trying to pounce on her again with a playful bark.
Like she'd get caught by that. She came up under him and knocked him down. She quickly moved away so he wouldn't think she was trying to dominate him.
He pulled himself up, shaking his head to get some of the dirt off the sensitive ends of his fur. She was out of reach now, and he knew he would have to actually move towards her. He trusted the wolf to be able to move him so he started to walk as quickly as he could and keep control of where his legs were going, starting to chase after her.
She didn't know if he could run yet but she made sure to keep out of his reach to see if he'd be able to keep up.
He kept trying, and his walk slowly sped up to a trot, trying not to stumble as his feet wanted to all get tangled up with each other. Luckily it was just a straight line. And he got confident quickly and started to go faster, teaching himself how to run quickly. He chased after her, enjoying the feel of the wind though his fur and against his face. Now he could see why Heather like this feeling. She was right - it was amazing.
It was easy to keep out of his reach, but Murphy was glad to see him getting the hang of it. Soon they'd have to go back before it got too cold. Their winter coats were still coming in. Right now though, she just let the wolf in Sam play.
Sam was enjoying it... until he had to turn. His feet got caught up under him as he tried and he was down, crying out as he was rolling over and over again down a small decline until he got to the bottom and just laid there, panting and confused as to what the hell had just happened.
Murphy was quick to follow him down the hill, only she stayed on her feet. She stopped by him and nudged him slightly with her nose, whining to ask if he was okay. She didn't want him to get injured this soon.
He whimpered in response, and got shakily to his feet. He shook out each leg, and except for a bit of soreness from the fall itself he was ok. He turned to look at her, a bit shaken but otherwise ok. Then he looked up the incline and wondered how the hell he was going to get back up there.
Since he was okay, Murphy ran back up and waited for him. He had to learn how eventually.
He whimpered and paced back and forth at the bottom before trying to put his paws up the incline and try to climb. The dirt kept giving away under his back feet and he wasn't making any real headway. He slid back down the foot he had managed to get up and barked, not sure what to do.
Murphy bounced down the hill and then ran back up, using her front feet when the first under her back feet started to give away. She hoped Sam would follow her example. He seemed to do well if she gave him a good example.
He watched her again, putting his paws on the hill and tried to move his feet the same way she was. It was hard and he was panting at the effort but he managed to finally get to the top of the hill. Once there he just hung his head, panting.
Murphy took it as a sign he was done for the night. She shifted back to human and went to get her jacket. It was getting cold. "Alright, kid, time to go home. You can play more tomorrow."
Sam followed her to where she had put his clothing. He pawed at them, trying to figure out how to get back to being human. It had to be easy to reverse this by thinking about being human and breathing past the pain again. But he thought about being human and... nothing happened. He whimpered and looked at Murphy, worried.
She raised an eyebrow. "I know it hurts, we went through this already."
He shook his head. Crap, he couldn't talk and tell her what was wrong. He wasn't worried about the pain. He closed his eyes, trying to find something that he liked about being human and shift him back and he couldn't get anything to come to mind. His ears went back in fear. Was his mind not wanting to go back? Was the wolf trying to fight for dominance again a different way? But he was in control here. Everything he had done was him, so it couldn't be that, right?
After a moment, it dawned. "You can't go back can you?"
Well, crap. This happened sometimes with people who got bit. She had thought Sam was better, stronger than that though.
Sam whimpered and pawed his clothes. He was trying and it wasn't working. What was he doing wrong?
"You need to think of being human, what's good about it. I suggest thumbs."
He was trying! He whimpered and lowered his head to his clothes, looking up at her pitifully, his ears pressing down against his head.
She sighed. "Alright, get in the SUV. We'll work on this at home. It's cold."
She opened the passenger side door for him. She really hoped he didn't need help getting into the truck.
He nosed up his clothing, not wanting to leave them behind, then went to the SUV and put his paws up on the railing, and then pushed off the ground like he was jumping. He scratched a bit, trying to get a grip but he managed to pull himself into the SUV and sat down in the seat.
She grabbed his clothes, tossing them in the back before getting into the driver seat and started the SUV. "If anyone asks, you're a hybrid I took from a local rancher. Don't do anything to give away your human intelligence. Got it?"
Sam barked a yes. When the SUV started to move, Sam had to hold on to try and get balance as the car moved all over the place. Finally he jumped down into the foot well and spread his legs out, his head on the seat and tried not to get motion sick with the car's movements. It had not been this bumpy on the ride in.
"Yeah, cars are hard for all of us." She did her best to make it a smooth ride home. She didn't want to clean wolf vomit up.
Since she was driving carefully it took them a little longer to get home than it did to get to the clearing. She pulled up close to the house, parked and went around to the door to open it for Sam.
"Go throw up in the bushes if you have to. Not in my car."
Sam stumbled out of the car and just pressed his head onto the ground, taking in the coolness and cool air. Never again. He was not going into another car until he was human again. And he wasn't going to throw up either. A minute later and stood up and shook his head to get the dirt out of his fur again and then looked up at her. He was good.
"Alright, let's go." She grabbed his clothes from the back and headed for the front door, holding it open for him and calling inside. "He's stuck, folks!"
Sam followed her up, taking his time on the stairs up and made sure he placed each back foot on a step to get up. Then he was confident as he walked inside until his feet slipped on the hard wood floor of the main room and his legs just went out from under him and he was down and stunned for a moment as his chin hit the ground.
There was a moment of absolute silence before almost everyone started laughing uproariously. Even Morgan cracked a smile. Heather was quick to get up and rush over to Sam, ducking down by his head to see if he was okay.
Murphy had to lean against the door, arms wrapped around her middle as she laughed. Her ribs were hurting again.
"Sam, try walking more on the pads of your feet, they should give you more grip," Heather said gently, holding back a few chuckles.
If wolves could blush, Sam would have turned bright red. He looked up at Heather pitifully as she had no idea what he's gone though in the last hour, and then he tried to get up, struggling to get enough of a grip with one paw to get a second paw steady before he started with the back feet. Finally he got it and stood up and just stood completely still, afraid to walk.
"That's it," Heather said encouragingly while everyone else still laughed. "Now just take your time. One paw in front of the other."
"Big paws like his, he's more likely to trip himself up again. Be ready to catch him, Heather!" Kirmani called, still laughing. "Give him something soft to land on this time. He'll like that."
"Alright, alright, tone it back," Murphy said when Heather glared at Kirmani over her shoulder. The laughing turned into chuckling and she finally got to closing the door. "Sam, I'm putting your clothes upstairs. I figure you'll be more comfortable trying to change back up there."
His paws were big? Sam looked down at them, trying to walk and keep himself on his pads. His back legs slipped a bit and he struggled until he got onto a rug and sat there. He was not going to move again anytime soon unless it was jumping from rug to rug he decided. At least the upstairs was padded - if he could get up there. He looked over his shoulder Murphy and whimpered a bit, hoping that he was able to change back.
She raised an eyebrow, not that sympathetic for his situation. She liked being in her wolf form. "Figure it out or sleep in front of the fireplace. You've got to figure out how to change back on your own too."
"Murphy," Heather started protesting a bit until Murphy raised an eyebrow at her and she went quiet, looking away.
Sam also lowered his head, but he knew this was something he had to figure out. He was starting to get a bit scared that he wasn't going to figure it out, and he didn't want to stay like this forever. He looked for the next bit of rug and jumped to it until he was at the fireplace and just sat down, then carefully walked his front paws forward to try and lay down like he knew dogs did before resting his chin on his big paws.
Heather went over and sat with him, running a hand over his head gently. "You'll figure it out Sam. Don't worry."
Murphy left her to it and went upstairs, calling for Anna as she went. The young girl quickly raced after her mother and left Butters to clean up the coloring which he did without question.
Sam just whimpered pitifully, hoping she was right. He leaned a bit against her hand, liking that petting. No wonder dogs liked to be pet. It felt really nice. Comforting.
"It's okay," Heather said and kept petting.
"That's not going to help him get out of it," Kirmani remarked. "He'll want to stay if it gets him pets."
"I believe Murphy told you to quit it," Morgan said, without looking up from his book again. "I'd listen if I were you."
"Yeah? Whatcha going to do if I don't?"
Morgan glanced up once, an eyebrow raised. The two males regularly jockeyed for the beta position. Kirmani usually won due to his long history with Murphy.
Sam lifted his head and barked, looking between the two men, not wanting them to fight. He still was learning about pack mentality, but Sam never liked anyone getting into fight when it came to him. He didn't see it as a position fight.
"Stay out of it, kid," Kirmani barked, glaring at him.
"Let them solve it," Heather said softly, scratching Sam behind the ears. "They won't hurt each other."
He whimpered, but lowered his head back, but instead shifting it into Heather's lap because she was scratching his ears and that felt way too good to be legal.
Before any actual fighting could break out, Murphy came back downstairs without Anna. She didn't bat an eye at Sam and Heather and took a seat on the couch. "Well, you'll get really comfortable with your wolf side after this."
Sam gave a woofed laugh at that. He didn't really have a choice, but now that he was at this point... it really wasn't that bad at all. He was nice and warm, safe and there was a bit of freedom he felt. He was still Sam, but the presence that was Sam Winchester was gone. It was like he was different and didn't have to live up to any of those expectations like this, and it was refreshing. There was a very small part of him that might not even mind much if he was stuck like this for a long period of time.
He didn't stop to question himself with that line of thought either. Almost as if he was fine with letting the human slip away. He was in control of this body so he had the control. Why should it matter how he remained?
And part of him was scared that he might be stuck like this forever, and never be human again. He hoped it wouldn't come to that.
lieu_murphy and the rest of the pack are all her NPC's. Co-Written with the munAfter the first night where Sam managed to change himself back from the werewolf on his own, his strength and control had been growing. He was still nervous, but knowing that he could do it if he focused boosted his confidence enough that by the time the first signs of winter started to show up in Yellowstone Park, Sam was confident that he wasn't going to change during a full moon cycle unless he wanted to change on his own.
But that was only the beginning, and he knew it. Now he had to learn how to change, instead of resiting the change. He wanted to know how to change into a full wolf too, not the type that he and Dean had hunted, or how Madison had looked those night after...
He had been trying on his own but he always stopped when it started to hurt. The pain was not unbearable as it had been before he got control, but it felt like his body was breaking and he wasn't sure if it was right or not to feel that. Finally he made his way to where the pack was in the living room after dinner and took a deep breath. He was pretty sure they had been waiting for him to get to this point.
"I need you to show me how to change. I've been trying and I can't figure it out."
The pack was scattered in the various chairs of the living room with the high members in the comfiest places while Butters sprawled on the floor with Anna, coloring. Murphy looked up from a few reports and raised an eyebrow at Sam.
"If you're still scared, it's not going to work," Murphy said and tossed her reports onto the coffee table. "Are you scared Sam?"
Sam nodded. "Of course I am. Not so much that I'm going to lose control. I think I have that down. But it hurts, a lot. And I don't know what it's going to be like when I get there." He was being very honest, especially when Murphy asked him direct questions.
She sighed, "It hurts for all of us. That'll never go away."
"It's hard, I know," Heather said, smiling gently at Sam. "You got to breathe through it. Think of something better. We've all got something better we think about when we changed."
He sucked on his lower lip a moment. He really wanted to figure this out, and he had thought that perhaps he had just been over-thinking it, like he always did. "Like what?" he asked Heather. The last few weeks he had really come to depend on her for a lot of things.
Heather glanced at Murphy for permission before she went on. "I think about how it feels in the summer to run around the park, to be free and exploring. I think about anything that makes me happy. It gets me through and then when it's over, it's over and you get to be a wolf."
Smiling a bit, he nodded. "I don't think I have something like that I can pull from, but I can try to find something."
"No happy memories?" Kirmani snorted a bit. "You're like Morgan."
The other wolf simply rolled his eyes and kept reading.
"I've got a few, but remembering them makes me sad afterward because I can't have them again. It's been hard the last few years."
"Well," Heather looked around, "You're happy here right? You could think about what makes you happy about being here?"
"He likes bacon, maybe he should think about that," Butters muttered, earning him a slight glare from Anna who was the only one close enough to hear him.
Sam looked at her and smiled. "That could work."
She smiled back, but Murphy stepped in. "Getting to the final step is really something we can only offer advice on. Actually becoming the wolf is something you have to figure out on your own."
He nodded and sighed. "I guess I'll try again. Is there somewhere specific I should be trying to do this so that I don't make a mess or anything?"
"Anywhere you're comfortable. If you need to go some place, I'll drive you," Murphy said with a slight shrug.
Sam thought for a moment and then looked outside at the stars he could see through the window. "I haven't been outside at night in a long time. Is there a clearing nearby perhaps?"
"I know a place." Murphy got to her feet and went over to the door to get her keys. "Grab a jacket. It's getting cold out."
"Thanks." Sam was already in his hiking boots so he grabbed his jacket and zipped up quickly. "I think being under the stars will help a lot."
"Being outside tends to help us all." Murphy shrugged into her ranger's jacket and grabbed a scarf before heading outside towards her SUV.
He trailed behind obediently, getting in after she was in. "My brother and I grew up on the road," he said as they started to drive. "I used to fall asleep counting stars when we were traveling. It relaxes me."
"The wolf always likes nature." She turned the engine over and started driving down the back roads and trails she knew from working with the park's department and exploring on her own. They went pretty far from the house, to a little open patch surrounded by trees. She parked just inside the trees and then hopped out, figuring Sam would follow her.
Which he did, rubbing his hands together as he walked around the SUV and into the clearing. He could see his breath and it was obvious winter was right around the corner. Craning his neck up, he could see all the stars in the sky since there was no lights to block them. "That's just beautiful."
"Yeah, kid. It is." She smiled at him, giving him time to work this out at his own pace.
Sam looked around at the trees, then saw a large rock just off the center of the clearing that he could sit on. He did so, then looked down at his hands and just tried to focus on it. He could imagine what a wolf looked like. He didn't know what he was going to look like, but he knew what the others looked like and figured it would be similar to it. He wanted to just start small and see if he could just force himself to grow some fur, and he just stared at his arm and tried to will it to happen. But it just wasn't happening.
"You're thinking too much," Murphy said when she saw he wasn't changing. "Stop thinking and feel it."
"How do I know if what I'm feeling is what I'm supposed to be feeling?" He turned to look at her.
"It'll feel right. It'll feel like the wolf."
Sam sighed in frustration because that wasn't really helping him. He looked back up at the stars, wondering if they held any answers. He could see the edge of the moon rising over the treeline. It wasn't full, but it would be soon.
Then he felt it, starting in his chest. Something in him smelt the fresh air, saw the moon and wanted to howl in greeting. Sam clasped onto that and just let himself feel that rush...
Then he felt the pain and fell to his hands and knees as he felt his body twist inside of his skin. His fingers grabbed onto the dirt and he tried to push back the tears. He lost the grip on that feeling and just knelt there, panting and breathing hard to get past the pain.
Murphy stood back and watched. There wasn't anything more she could do. Either Sam would figure it out or he wouldn't.
Heather told him to work through the pain. Find something to distract him. Breathe. Gritting his teeth, Sam refused to give up, not now. He needed to prove he could do this, and he was too stubborn to give up now when he had felt it. He was close and he knew it. He looked up at the sky again, trying to find that urge to howl at the moon again. He shut his eyes, feeling the pain again but he kept focusing on the howling. Finding a memory of him and Dean in the back of the Impala annoying Dad as he howled at a full moon, not knowing yet about the reality of the monsters. Not knowing that years later, he was going to want to howl. Need to howl...
The howl from Sam's throat was distinctively wolf as he had shifted while his eyes were closed. And then it turned to a whimper as he fell over, trapped in the human clothing that was choking him and making him unable to move his back legs. "Help me!" he tried to shout to Murphy, but it came out as a series of barks and cries of a distressed animal.
It wasn't the right thing to do, but Murphy burst out laughing. Sam had done it and she was really proud, but it was just too funny watching him struggle in his clothes. She was going to have to remind him that it worked better if you took off the clothes first.
"Easy, kid," Murphy said as she went over to help him. "You'll learn how to deal with the clothes as time goes on."
Sam whimpered, keeping himself still until Murphy was able to help him get out of the clothing. Once he was free, he tried to get to his feet, but it was strange and he couldn't find a balance, and kept stumbling sideways and his front paws were spread wide to keep himself up. It took him a moment to get still, then he lifted his head and looked around. His eyes were seeing the world differently. It wasn't as dark now and he could see into the shadows. He sniffed the air and there were so many scents that he shook his head. Too much pine smell. Looking down, he saw the white paws and tried to lift one to look at it, throwing himself completely off balance and he had to struggle to get it back again before falling over.
Murphy sat down on the ground and put her head between her knees as she lost it completely. Watching Sam struggle with his feet was just as funny as watching him struggle with his clothes. The four feet thing could be tricky but she'd been walking like that for years and it was just so funny watching him stumble and trip. Man, it was going to be hilarious watching him run for the first time. She was going to make sure he had plenty of snow banks to fall into when he tried.
"Sam, listen to your inner wolf. It knows how to walk already," she said when she managed to stop laughing. "I can't really tell you how to."
Her laughing made him jump away, so loud... louder than he was used to. He looked over at her, and his facial expression was still very Sam in being put out and pitiful. But he had landed on his feet and managed to not topple over. "Not funny," he said, but it came out as a loud bark. Then he looked shocked and jumped again at his own voice and looked at her. He couldn't talk? Why couldn't he talk?!
"You're a wolf. Stop trying to talk." She rolled her eyes, amused. "Use body language."
That just got her a whimper and a pitiful look.
She patted him on the head. "You'll get used to it, kid."
Her touch felt different: like there was hundreds of little nerves feeling it, telling him exactly where her hand was before he even felt the pressure against his skin. He ducked his head away on instinct from the strange feeling, his eyes showing that he was trying to understand it all as he sniffed the air, then her. Murphy smelt.. different. He leaned forward, his nose lifting as he tried to get closer to smell her a bit without actually moving his feet.
Murphy wished she had a camera that would have been great, but she just held her hand out so he could smell it. The world was a very different place for him right now.
Sam got closer, sniffing her hand until he took a careful step forward, wobbly but he was trusting his new body to move him. He ended up bumping his nose against her palm, then pulled back and wiggled it a bit at the sensitivity there. He thought a moment, then pressed his nose against her again, then moved so that her hand moved along his nuzzle. He felt the tingles again, and figured that the tingles were the ends of the fur feeling the object before it put pressure against his body.
"Maybe I should have sent Heather with you instead. I bet she'd give you a belly rub," she teased, letting him investigate her hand.
That idea sounded ridiculous to Sam, but the wolf liked it. He moved to get her hand to get it up on the top of his head like before, and something about that area made Sam close his eyes and give a doggy smile as he pressed against her hand more.
"Yeah, I'm sending Heather next time." She started to rub behind his ear.
That got a happy noise out and Sam... and then he toppled over from losing his balance from trying to press against her hand more.
She started laughing again, hard.
Sam huffed and tried to get back on his feet, and after a few seconds he figured it out, still a bit wobbly but he was trying. He then sniffed the air, trying to walk around a bit, trusting his legs a bit more as he moved. When he was confident he stopped and looked down at his paws again, using one to dig into the ground a bit and feel the dirt moving between his claws. He then leaned his head down to sniff at the ground. He got a bit of dirt up his nose and sneezed before bringing a paw up to rub at his nose.
Murphy's sides were starting to hurt she was laughing so much. She decided to save herself and stepped back from Sam. She took her jacket off and then transformed into her own wolf form. She bounced around Sam, grinning and inviting him to play. He probably wouldn't know how, but hey, every wolf had to learn.
He hunched a bit, intimidated by her bounciness. He watched her, circling a bit, studying her movements like he was trying to figure out what she was doing and how he could do it himself.
She rolled her eyes slightly and ducked down on her front paws, tail in the air. It was the universal sign for play in canines.
It was, however seeing her tail made Sam's eyes widen and he turned to try and look over his shoulder. Did he have a tail now? He tried to look, and he thought he saw something but he couldn't see it fully and started to walk in circles as he tried to catch it so he could look at it.
Murphy sat down and did her best to laugh while a wolf. It didn't quite work as well as it did when she was human but the kid was so funny just learning his wolf side. After a moment though she threw her head back and howled, calling the pack who might have been close enough to hear if the wind was right.
The howl startled him and Sam stopped, jumping back and crouching down instinctively, then saw her sitting and tilted his head, moving his back paws to figure out just how the hell he was supposed to do that with legs that bent differently now. He got it pretty quickly though and sat down, watching her a moment before lifting his head to look up at the stars.
She kept howling, as a way to communicate and mark territory. She was warning the local wolves not to bother them. Real wolves knew they weren't like them and avoided them because of it. Murphy still wanted to re-enforce that desire because Sam was new.
He didn't know she was doing that, and just thought she was howling at the moon to howl. He remembered doing it as a kid and joined in with her howl happily.
She'd have to teach him how communicating as a wolf worked, but that would take the other pack members to help. Right now, it was just a good time to howl and have a little fun as a wolf.
He howled again, then lowered his head back to look at her, smiling. It was new. It was different. But Sam was liking this and he felt his tail wag behind him in response to that and he gave a wolf type laugh. He then tried to get into that pose she had been in before with her head down, tail up. Not sure what it was as he was more imitating her than anything else, but she had been happy when she made that pose.
When he ducked down into a play bow, she did too and then leapt forward at him then bounced to the side. She ran around him, leaping and jumping while trying to get him to imitate her some more.
He jumped back when she jumped forward, and he walked around her, watching carefully. He slowly tried to jump his front paws up a bit, his backs still on the ground. They were tiny at first, getting used to the shift in balance before he started getting bigger bounces. He yipped a bit, enjoying this. It was fun.
There we go, Murphy was much happier about him now. He was really getting into it. She tried to get him to chase her, darting away and then darting back.
He saw that and tried to jump at her when she darted in, seeing if he could pounce on top of her.
He couldn't. She was quick to get out of the way and get behind him.
Well, he was a fast learning and literally bounced around in a 180 and only just stumbled a bit as his back feet came off the ground and didn't land until the front paws had already hit dirt. He managed not to go face first into the ground though.
She stopped to laugh at him as best she could. He was getting the hang of it though. She was proud.
She was distracted so he bounced right back up, trying to pounce on her again with a playful bark.
Like she'd get caught by that. She came up under him and knocked him down. She quickly moved away so he wouldn't think she was trying to dominate him.
He pulled himself up, shaking his head to get some of the dirt off the sensitive ends of his fur. She was out of reach now, and he knew he would have to actually move towards her. He trusted the wolf to be able to move him so he started to walk as quickly as he could and keep control of where his legs were going, starting to chase after her.
She didn't know if he could run yet but she made sure to keep out of his reach to see if he'd be able to keep up.
He kept trying, and his walk slowly sped up to a trot, trying not to stumble as his feet wanted to all get tangled up with each other. Luckily it was just a straight line. And he got confident quickly and started to go faster, teaching himself how to run quickly. He chased after her, enjoying the feel of the wind though his fur and against his face. Now he could see why Heather like this feeling. She was right - it was amazing.
It was easy to keep out of his reach, but Murphy was glad to see him getting the hang of it. Soon they'd have to go back before it got too cold. Their winter coats were still coming in. Right now though, she just let the wolf in Sam play.
Sam was enjoying it... until he had to turn. His feet got caught up under him as he tried and he was down, crying out as he was rolling over and over again down a small decline until he got to the bottom and just laid there, panting and confused as to what the hell had just happened.
Murphy was quick to follow him down the hill, only she stayed on her feet. She stopped by him and nudged him slightly with her nose, whining to ask if he was okay. She didn't want him to get injured this soon.
He whimpered in response, and got shakily to his feet. He shook out each leg, and except for a bit of soreness from the fall itself he was ok. He turned to look at her, a bit shaken but otherwise ok. Then he looked up the incline and wondered how the hell he was going to get back up there.
Since he was okay, Murphy ran back up and waited for him. He had to learn how eventually.
He whimpered and paced back and forth at the bottom before trying to put his paws up the incline and try to climb. The dirt kept giving away under his back feet and he wasn't making any real headway. He slid back down the foot he had managed to get up and barked, not sure what to do.
Murphy bounced down the hill and then ran back up, using her front feet when the first under her back feet started to give away. She hoped Sam would follow her example. He seemed to do well if she gave him a good example.
He watched her again, putting his paws on the hill and tried to move his feet the same way she was. It was hard and he was panting at the effort but he managed to finally get to the top of the hill. Once there he just hung his head, panting.
Murphy took it as a sign he was done for the night. She shifted back to human and went to get her jacket. It was getting cold. "Alright, kid, time to go home. You can play more tomorrow."
Sam followed her to where she had put his clothing. He pawed at them, trying to figure out how to get back to being human. It had to be easy to reverse this by thinking about being human and breathing past the pain again. But he thought about being human and... nothing happened. He whimpered and looked at Murphy, worried.
She raised an eyebrow. "I know it hurts, we went through this already."
He shook his head. Crap, he couldn't talk and tell her what was wrong. He wasn't worried about the pain. He closed his eyes, trying to find something that he liked about being human and shift him back and he couldn't get anything to come to mind. His ears went back in fear. Was his mind not wanting to go back? Was the wolf trying to fight for dominance again a different way? But he was in control here. Everything he had done was him, so it couldn't be that, right?
After a moment, it dawned. "You can't go back can you?"
Well, crap. This happened sometimes with people who got bit. She had thought Sam was better, stronger than that though.
Sam whimpered and pawed his clothes. He was trying and it wasn't working. What was he doing wrong?
"You need to think of being human, what's good about it. I suggest thumbs."
He was trying! He whimpered and lowered his head to his clothes, looking up at her pitifully, his ears pressing down against his head.
She sighed. "Alright, get in the SUV. We'll work on this at home. It's cold."
She opened the passenger side door for him. She really hoped he didn't need help getting into the truck.
He nosed up his clothing, not wanting to leave them behind, then went to the SUV and put his paws up on the railing, and then pushed off the ground like he was jumping. He scratched a bit, trying to get a grip but he managed to pull himself into the SUV and sat down in the seat.
She grabbed his clothes, tossing them in the back before getting into the driver seat and started the SUV. "If anyone asks, you're a hybrid I took from a local rancher. Don't do anything to give away your human intelligence. Got it?"
Sam barked a yes. When the SUV started to move, Sam had to hold on to try and get balance as the car moved all over the place. Finally he jumped down into the foot well and spread his legs out, his head on the seat and tried not to get motion sick with the car's movements. It had not been this bumpy on the ride in.
"Yeah, cars are hard for all of us." She did her best to make it a smooth ride home. She didn't want to clean wolf vomit up.
Since she was driving carefully it took them a little longer to get home than it did to get to the clearing. She pulled up close to the house, parked and went around to the door to open it for Sam.
"Go throw up in the bushes if you have to. Not in my car."
Sam stumbled out of the car and just pressed his head onto the ground, taking in the coolness and cool air. Never again. He was not going into another car until he was human again. And he wasn't going to throw up either. A minute later and stood up and shook his head to get the dirt out of his fur again and then looked up at her. He was good.
"Alright, let's go." She grabbed his clothes from the back and headed for the front door, holding it open for him and calling inside. "He's stuck, folks!"
Sam followed her up, taking his time on the stairs up and made sure he placed each back foot on a step to get up. Then he was confident as he walked inside until his feet slipped on the hard wood floor of the main room and his legs just went out from under him and he was down and stunned for a moment as his chin hit the ground.
There was a moment of absolute silence before almost everyone started laughing uproariously. Even Morgan cracked a smile. Heather was quick to get up and rush over to Sam, ducking down by his head to see if he was okay.
Murphy had to lean against the door, arms wrapped around her middle as she laughed. Her ribs were hurting again.
"Sam, try walking more on the pads of your feet, they should give you more grip," Heather said gently, holding back a few chuckles.
If wolves could blush, Sam would have turned bright red. He looked up at Heather pitifully as she had no idea what he's gone though in the last hour, and then he tried to get up, struggling to get enough of a grip with one paw to get a second paw steady before he started with the back feet. Finally he got it and stood up and just stood completely still, afraid to walk.
"That's it," Heather said encouragingly while everyone else still laughed. "Now just take your time. One paw in front of the other."
"Big paws like his, he's more likely to trip himself up again. Be ready to catch him, Heather!" Kirmani called, still laughing. "Give him something soft to land on this time. He'll like that."
"Alright, alright, tone it back," Murphy said when Heather glared at Kirmani over her shoulder. The laughing turned into chuckling and she finally got to closing the door. "Sam, I'm putting your clothes upstairs. I figure you'll be more comfortable trying to change back up there."
His paws were big? Sam looked down at them, trying to walk and keep himself on his pads. His back legs slipped a bit and he struggled until he got onto a rug and sat there. He was not going to move again anytime soon unless it was jumping from rug to rug he decided. At least the upstairs was padded - if he could get up there. He looked over his shoulder Murphy and whimpered a bit, hoping that he was able to change back.
She raised an eyebrow, not that sympathetic for his situation. She liked being in her wolf form. "Figure it out or sleep in front of the fireplace. You've got to figure out how to change back on your own too."
"Murphy," Heather started protesting a bit until Murphy raised an eyebrow at her and she went quiet, looking away.
Sam also lowered his head, but he knew this was something he had to figure out. He was starting to get a bit scared that he wasn't going to figure it out, and he didn't want to stay like this forever. He looked for the next bit of rug and jumped to it until he was at the fireplace and just sat down, then carefully walked his front paws forward to try and lay down like he knew dogs did before resting his chin on his big paws.
Heather went over and sat with him, running a hand over his head gently. "You'll figure it out Sam. Don't worry."
Murphy left her to it and went upstairs, calling for Anna as she went. The young girl quickly raced after her mother and left Butters to clean up the coloring which he did without question.
Sam just whimpered pitifully, hoping she was right. He leaned a bit against her hand, liking that petting. No wonder dogs liked to be pet. It felt really nice. Comforting.
"It's okay," Heather said and kept petting.
"That's not going to help him get out of it," Kirmani remarked. "He'll want to stay if it gets him pets."
"I believe Murphy told you to quit it," Morgan said, without looking up from his book again. "I'd listen if I were you."
"Yeah? Whatcha going to do if I don't?"
Morgan glanced up once, an eyebrow raised. The two males regularly jockeyed for the beta position. Kirmani usually won due to his long history with Murphy.
Sam lifted his head and barked, looking between the two men, not wanting them to fight. He still was learning about pack mentality, but Sam never liked anyone getting into fight when it came to him. He didn't see it as a position fight.
"Stay out of it, kid," Kirmani barked, glaring at him.
"Let them solve it," Heather said softly, scratching Sam behind the ears. "They won't hurt each other."
He whimpered, but lowered his head back, but instead shifting it into Heather's lap because she was scratching his ears and that felt way too good to be legal.
Before any actual fighting could break out, Murphy came back downstairs without Anna. She didn't bat an eye at Sam and Heather and took a seat on the couch. "Well, you'll get really comfortable with your wolf side after this."
Sam gave a woofed laugh at that. He didn't really have a choice, but now that he was at this point... it really wasn't that bad at all. He was nice and warm, safe and there was a bit of freedom he felt. He was still Sam, but the presence that was Sam Winchester was gone. It was like he was different and didn't have to live up to any of those expectations like this, and it was refreshing. There was a very small part of him that might not even mind much if he was stuck like this for a long period of time.
He didn't stop to question himself with that line of thought either. Almost as if he was fine with letting the human slip away. He was in control of this body so he had the control. Why should it matter how he remained?
And part of him was scared that he might be stuck like this forever, and never be human again. He hoped it wouldn't come to that.