likely_evil | mad_muses: Vast Lyrics

ooc: Hear the Song Here

He was waiting at the hotel in the honeymoon suite, having just gotten Ruby on the phone. He had driven through the night until he found this place. When was the last time he slept? Ate? Drank?

Ruby was on her way. It would be over soon, Sam. Lay down and sleep, and the time will go fast and then she would be there and everything would be alright and the pain would stop.

But it didn't. His hallucinations still talked in his head, replaying over and over. He felt Alastair cutting into him, crying out in pain and knowing he would never have lasted a day in Hell if this was what waited for him.

He couldn't last a day... Dean lasted thirty years. Dean is stronger than him... he... he could do this. Maybe...

Your brother doesn't understand... Dean can never know how strong you are... because Dean is weak.

His mother's approval: the one thing Sam never knew. All he could do was hallucinate her there in a moment of weakness, telling him that he was doing the right thing... proud of him... that he was right. It had brought him comfort then, but now that he was feeling better, he was only left with questions.

Would his mother be proud of him? Would she understand him like this and urge him to continue, or would he do what Dean and Bobby did? He wish to God he knew, wish he could know what it really was like to have her hold him and kiss his cheek and tell him everything was going to be ok.

That's what mother's did, right? Tell you everything was going to be ok.

But it wasn't. Sam knew deep inside that it wasn't and let the words flow from Dean's mouth.

You're not different because you're some lonely kid or because your weirdo family... because you're a monster...

You're nothing to me.

"Damnit, Dean, why can't you trust me?" Sam muttered into the pillow softly, turning over so that he was facing the wall. His fingers clenched the edge of the bed as he tried to shut the Dean in his head up but all he could do was look into Dean's hazel eyes as he called him that.

Monster. Monster. monstermonstermonstermonster MONSTER!

"SHUT UP!" Sam screamed, burying his head under the pillow. Why couldn't he understand? Dean was his brother and he was supposed to trust his little brother. What had happened to stop that? When had they gone so wrong?

He just wanted Dean to believe in him. To work with him and let him try to be the strong one. Sam know he could so this - he had to do this. He had to kill Lilith.

To kill Lilith, the big excuse... but for what? For sending me to hell? You happen to notice I'm back? Alive and kicking? So what's the point?

Not for revenge. For justice.

Think Jess would want you to turn into this... use her as an excuse?

Even his subconscious knew how broken he was, but in trying to show him reason instead he just broke into more and more pieces. He had never felt this low before, and he couldn't even turn to Dean for help. He would just throw Sam back in the panic room and think he was helping him.

Dean was killing him. Sam... yeah, he was pissed that Dean had done that, but he understood. Dean was over his head and couldn't think of anything else and Sam got that. Didn't have to like it, but he got it.

If only he would listen to him... but this was Dean, and Dean was always right. Every war was Dean's to fight and Sam was supposed to stay behind him and let Dean protect him. Dad gave him and order and Dean would follow it no matter how much it cost.

And now it was costing Sam his brother, and that hurt more than the pain from the withdrawal.

Maybe when this was all over... maybe once Lilith was gone and if they lived through this... maybe there was hope that Dean would listen to him and they could fix this rift. Maybe some day he could have his brother back the way that it used to be - the pranks, just driving from state to state with his crappy music and annoying smirks, saving people... hunting things.. the family business.

Please God, I don't know if you even still give a damn about me, but please... when this is all over, I promise I'll stop. I'll be good again, I'll do anything if you'll just give me back my brother. Please.

He sat up in bed, wiping his eyes with his hand before heading towards the bathroom. He wasn't going to sleep, so why bother? He was too broken to sleep. He needed Dean Ruby here to make him feel better.

He needed to kill Lilith. Then maybe he could just rest and not be afraid of his own head again.

Maybe... he could be the Sam that his brother knew again.