Sam Winchester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likely_evil) wrote2009-01-25 11:21 pm
likely_evil) wrote2009-01-25 11:21 pm
Entry tags:
In which Sam gets an angelic intervention
ooc: takes place in the Without You verse. Happens during the same time as this and this. Castiel is an NPC played by ![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
jstliketherifle's mun.
Sam stood in the bedroom of the hotel. This was where he and Beth were staying until the repairs were finished on their condo.
Where he was staying. Beth had run off to spend a few days with Amy, her lover. In the last three years, Sam had learned that his lack of emotions at times was not something Beth needed, so she found comfort and safety with Amy.
But in doing that, Sam had been left alone. And that was the last thing he needed.
Somewhere in the third bottle of vodka did Sam find the pain he was feeling and faced it head on. He remembered holding his brother's bloody body in his arms. The fight with Bobby to bury Dean. The dark nights with Ruby hunting and hurting, trying to find meaning in her body. His mind slowly connecting sex to comfort because it was the only thing he could feel anymore. The darkness in his soul as he ripped Lilith apart.
How his eyes had been yellow for days afterwards until they finally went back to hazel.
Touching the powers again had made him feel that power. The way he felt back then... the darkness called to him and made him feel better. No pain, no loss - just pure power and anger. And it felt good.
Beth had found him as he was trying to detox from that. He welcomed her offer into CONTROL, her body, everything she gave him so he wouldn't be alone.
But Sam knew the monster still lurked under his skin. It was in his blood, and it was a struggle every day not to go back to that power. And now, he had tasted it again, and he wanted it back.
Then there was seeing Dean again. Dean, his brother. The one who had died in his arms so he could live. Not only had Sam destroyed himself, but he also destroyed the gift his brother had given him. And angels had brought Dean back two years ago, and he had stayed away from Sam. Not even just a phone call - something. For two years Sam struggled to overcome dean that he didn't need to.
He could have helped Dean, but no. He was denied. All because Dean thought Sam was happy, but never bothered to ask.
He had almost killed his brother again. Swore that he would. And Sam knew that he could do it so easily. Wanted to do it so badly to make this new pain go away.
The nightmares had returned, only instead of Lilith being the enemy, it was Dean. Sam watched as his own eyes glowed yellow and Dean's were black and he ripped his brother apart and relished in his screams.
He had woken up to an empty hotel room and just curled into himself, trying not to cry. How the vodka bottle had found it's way into his hand, he didn't know. The second one he remembered.
Then he had left the bedroom and went into the streets of DC. His black trench coat covered him in the cold air, also hiding the gun that was in his holster. He just walked around the city, his nightmare and the pain rolling through his mind until finally he sat down on a park bench in the grassy area known as the Mall.
He was no better than any of the demons he hunted. That was something Sam knew deep in his heart, and he tried to make it better. Tried to use his time in CONTROL to make up for the things he had done. But what had he really done?
Dean was back. Angels had chosen him to do something on Earth. And Sam was the Anti Christ. Eventually, the angels were going to have Dean come after Sam, and Sam knew he couldn't handle that.
Dean was back, and Sam couldn't find the part of him that could be happy to know his own brother was alive. He couldn't find the part that should want to wrap his arms around Dean and hold him and cry. Dean had always made jokes about how sensitive he was, but that part had died with Dean, and hadn't come back.
Dean was back, and he didn't want anything to do with Sam. He had a new calling, something that Sam couldn't be a part of... or wasn't welcome to be a part of.
Dean was back. He was the better Winchester in this world. Sam was just the freak boy with the demon blood playing secret agent. And before he could succumb back to the darkness. Before he started to hurt people who he cared about. He loved.
Dean was back, and the world didn't need him anymore. And that was the thought he had as he pulled the gun from his holster and put it under his chin. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back a bit. And for the first time in four years now, he prayed for forgiveness in the hour of his death.
He had spent two years watching Dean Winchester, and he knew that it shouldn't have surprised him how much he and his brother were alike. It was an impossible thing -- one not complete without the other, and yet, even separated, they managed to stand tall, fight what they needed to fight. Their life had been one of hardships for both of them, and yet somehow, this bond between them had managed to both hold them together and break them all at the same time. The light and the darkness -- they held both inside them, neither managing to put the other out, and yet a single demon had managed to throw them both into their moment of greatest despair, all at the same time. It was -- disconcerting. It worried him that the darkness was stronger in them than the angel had anticipated.
Alastair, however, was now dead -- his soul disintegrated through the work of a demon and a very special gun, and now Castiel was forced to try and control the damage he had done before it was too late. Castiel couldn't lose Dean -- not to his own inner demons, and not to Sam's either. Heaven couldn't afford that kind of loss, especially with the challenge they were going to be facing. They were already losing the war as it was -- they couldn't afford to have another set back. Not now. Dean had been distracted long enough by this Alastair business, and now things needed to be rectified.
He was also here for Sam's soul as well. Suicide was a very dangerous sin, one that a soul couldn't seek redemption from. Sam Winchester could still be saved from the things he had done in his past, but should he choose to take his own life, he would be condemning himself in a way Castiel couldn't reverse. And that, the angel feared, would break Dean more than anything else. That guilt would still come to rest on Dean's shoulders, no matter what he or Ruby would say, so Castiel needed to stop Sam before he did something regrettable. However, he was still unsure of the words to start with, other than the standard which we spoken softly and clearly as he stood across from the young man in the park.
"Hello, Sam."
Hearing his name, Sam's eyes shot open and he aimed the gun in the direction of the voice. Couldn't he just be given a moment's peace when he was trying to do something right? He knew he couldn't hide the broken sob or face as he aimed the gun through his tears. "Please just go away," he begged the stranger.
"I'm afraid I can't do that," Castiel replied slowly, sliding his hands into the pocket of his trenchcoat as he moved closer. "Suicide is a very serious sin, Sam. One that is very hard to seek forgiveness for."
How had this person known what he was praying. And his name? "Who are you?" he asked, his hand shaking but he kept the gun aimed.
This gun wouldn't harm him. Castiel knew that, and he just continued to meet Sam's stare coolly, before speaking again. "My name is Castiel. I'm an angel of the Lord." He paused for a moment, before nodding slowly. "I'm the one who raised your brother from perdition."
Sam's eyes widened and his arm just dropped. "You? You brought him back? Why?"
"Because God commanded it." The answer was simple, in and of itself. God commanded him to save Dean Winchester, and Castiel did as instructed. God hadn't, however, commanded that he seek out Ruby's assistance, but then again, the orders had never been terribly specific.
"But why now? And the way he is... it's not my brother in that body." Tears were streaming down Sam's cheeks. "All i ever wanted was my brother back and now he's here but it's not him."
Castiel paused for a moment, before tilting his head to the side as he explained. "Time fluctuates differently in Hell, Sam. For every month that passes here, ten years pass down there. While your brother was only in Hell for two years for you -- he was actually in Hell for two hundred and forty. Even the smallest amount of time in damnation can change a person, and Dean had faced much before his humanity was restored." Castiel paused again. "We needed to be sure he would be willing to face the battles that were to come. But I can assure you, your brother is still there. He just has more of a burden to shoulder."
"It should never have been him in the first place." Sam cupped his head in his hands. "I was the one who was supposed to die. I'm the one who's the freak. He shouldn't have to burden any of this."
"Everything happens for a reason." It was what humans would call a cliche, overused, but it was the truth. "Your brother's path was set before him long before yours was. Some things are unable to be changed, and Dean's death was one of them." Castiel wasn't going to mention that they may have waited too long, allowed Hell much too much time, but what was done was done. He also wasn't going to acknowledge the choice of the word 'freak.' He was well aware of what Sam Winchester was, but he had his role to play as well, and Castiel knew that if word of his brother's death reached Dean's ears, they would lose him completely. Castiel was here to do his best to prevent that. He wouldn't be able to interfere directly, as it was still Sam's choice, but he would try.
"He doesn't want me anymore. He wants me to be happy but I can't be happy. Not after everything I've done. After what I became..."
"Funny. He says the same of you." His tone was dry, and there may have been the slightest hint of a smirk on his lips. He then moved closer, placing a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder. He didn't know how well it would work, given that Dean never seemed to hear him when he said things like this, but Castiel figured it might be worth a shot. Sam had had faith for a long time before now. "You've done great work, Sam. It may not have been -- orthodox -- but that doesn't make it any less great. You won us a valuable battle in the war. That shouldn't be something to be condemned." He was suddenly very glad that it wasn't Uriel having this conversation -- it wouldn't be getting them anywhere. "Not that I'm saying you're -- talents -- should be used for every battle -- but there was a reason that we allowed your and Ruby's work to continue without interfering directly."
Sam just hung his head. "I turned into a monster that day, more than I ever felt before. How can that be great?" Sam looked at Castiel, confused, scared... more emotion than he had ever shown in a long time to someone that wasn't Beth.
Castiel paused for a moment, moving to sit down on the side of the bench next to him, looking out into the emptiness of the park in front of him. "Every day people pass through this park. They live their lives, oblivious to the fact that all around them, demons are trying to undermine their quiet lives and bring about the end of everything that the Father has created. Had you not done what you did to defeat Lilith, thousands more would have died at this point than already have."
He was quiet again for a moment, before turning to face Sam again. "You had the means to end a great evil. You set back plans of the higher levels of Hell months. And you did so without spilling any innocent blood. Your means may not be approved of, but they were nonetheless effective."
"I just wanted my brother back. And when I couldn't get that, I realized how dark those powers were, how I felt... I don't want to be like that anymore." He took a deep breath. "I just want things back the way before Dean died."
"I'm afraid that that's not possible," Castiel replied with a sigh. "However your brother needs you, Sam. He may have made some poor choices, but hurting you was never his intention. All he's been doing has been to save you, even if it doesn't seem like it."
"I don't want him to save me," Sam stated, then hung his head. "I don't know what I want. I don't even feel human anymore."
"This isn't about what you want, Sam," Castiel stated coolly. "And believe it or not -- you are still able to seek redemption for the things you've done, just as your brother is trying to do. No one has ever denied you forgiveness but yourself."
Sam looked at Castiel, uncertain. "How can I? I'm part demon. I'm already damned."
"That was a choice made for you -- not one you made yourself," Castiel sighed. "Absolution is always given to those who seek it and are truly repentant for the sins they've committed. Did you think reconciliation was around just to make people feel better?"
"Dean and I joked that we knew we were going to hell," Sam said softly. "It stopped being a joke when Dad died. We knew. I never thought of anything else."
At this, the angel was confused. "You've always had faith, Sam, and you've always done good work and were repentant for the souls you couldn't save. Even before you learned of Azazel's plans for you, you didn't think that you were meant for something more than damnation?"
"I left this job, hoping for it." Sam let his hands wring together, the gun sitting on his lap. "I went to college, just wanted to be free. But then Azazel killed Jess, and I was tossed back into it and I was never able to find that light again. I know I did good things, but it just kept getting darker and darker, and I crossed lines I didn't think were forgivable."
He closed his eyes a moment. "I don't even remember where I went for those few days I was dead."
"That is irrelevant," Castiel sighed. "Those actions don't matter -- what does matter are the choices you make here, in this world."
Sam nodded. "Will I ever get my brother back? A way that we can be brothers again?"
"Your brother needs hope, Sam," Castiel replied. "He is still human, but his mind is fragile. He's capable of great things, but which side those acts are for depends on you." Castiel paused, before turning to look at him. "He needs to know that you don't see him as a monster. That you have faith in him and that he will do the right thing."
"How can I be of an effect to him when he doesn't want to see me, and I can't see him?"
"It wasn't that he didn't want to see you, Sam -- he didn't want you to see him. Dean feared that he had become what he hunted, despite the fact that he was human again, and he was worried that seeing you would only confirm that for him. Because he has changed, Sam. In ways that cannot, and should not be fixed. And no one but Dean said that you couldn't see him." From his tone, Castiel was probably implying that Dean's orders didn't exactly mean much, but that could easily be left up to interpretation. "Faith can still be given from afar, Sam. It doesn't have to involve having someone at their side every day."
Sam snorted, laughing a bit to himself sadly. "God, even in hell we both follow the same wavelengths."
Castiel smirked slightly. "You'll always be brothers, Sam. Even if it's not the same as it was."
"Do you know how hard it's going to be knowing he's out there somewhere, and knowing he doesn't want to be around me. That I'm afraid to have him around me because I don't want to let him see what I've done?"
"It's not that he doesn't want to be, Sam. He thinks he shouldn't be. For the same reasons that you're afraid for him to be." Humans still confused him to no end, and picking the Winchesters to study weren't making things any easier. "What you allow you and your brother to have is your choice. Dean has no intention in intruding on a life where he isn't welcome anymore. But he still wants to be your brother, Sam, whether you wish for him to be or not."
"Are you telling me then that I should welcome him back and try to understand him and help him?"
"I'm saying that you should find your own way to let Dean know that he doesn't deserve to be hunted. We've been working together long enough for me to have realized that trying to explain things to him won't go over nearly as well." Dean had made his opinion on angels very clearly known. That much wasn't going to change anytime soon. "How you do that is your own choice."
Sam licked his lips a moment. Then he nodded. He could do this. If there was a chance for him to get forgiveness and his brother back, Sam would be able to figure this out and do it. "Can you take him something for me?" Sam looked at Castiel, starting to finally calm down and find his center again.
Castiel looked over at him and nodded firmly. "I can."
Sam reached into his shirt, finding the leather cord around his neck. He hadn't taken it off since dean had died, but it was one of those things that really did belong to Dean. Sam had given it to him as a kid, and it always was a reminder to Dean about how much Sam loved his older brother.
"Give him this. And tell him I'm sorry. And when he's ready, I'll be waiting to talk with him. Hopefully with no demons trying to kill us this time." He held out the necklace to Castiel, the gold protection charm hanging from his hand.
The angel took it in his hand carefully, sliding it into one of the pockets of his trench coat. "I'll see that he gets it."
"Thank you." Sam stood up, putting the gun into his holster. "For everything."
Castiel nodded again. "Good luck, Sam."
Sam went to turn to the angel, but the man was gone. Taking a deep breath, Sam turned to look at the sun starting to rise over the White House. He could do this. It was a new day. He was being given a new start, with promises of things Sam didn't think he would ever have. For the first time in a long time, he actually had hope for his own future. A future that promised to give him back the things and people he had lost. A future that would mean something.
Dean was back. And Sam could help him - Sam would help him, and find a way for them to not have to live through their personal hells any more.
jstliketherifle's mun.Sam stood in the bedroom of the hotel. This was where he and Beth were staying until the repairs were finished on their condo.
Where he was staying. Beth had run off to spend a few days with Amy, her lover. In the last three years, Sam had learned that his lack of emotions at times was not something Beth needed, so she found comfort and safety with Amy.
But in doing that, Sam had been left alone. And that was the last thing he needed.
Somewhere in the third bottle of vodka did Sam find the pain he was feeling and faced it head on. He remembered holding his brother's bloody body in his arms. The fight with Bobby to bury Dean. The dark nights with Ruby hunting and hurting, trying to find meaning in her body. His mind slowly connecting sex to comfort because it was the only thing he could feel anymore. The darkness in his soul as he ripped Lilith apart.
How his eyes had been yellow for days afterwards until they finally went back to hazel.
Touching the powers again had made him feel that power. The way he felt back then... the darkness called to him and made him feel better. No pain, no loss - just pure power and anger. And it felt good.
Beth had found him as he was trying to detox from that. He welcomed her offer into CONTROL, her body, everything she gave him so he wouldn't be alone.
But Sam knew the monster still lurked under his skin. It was in his blood, and it was a struggle every day not to go back to that power. And now, he had tasted it again, and he wanted it back.
Then there was seeing Dean again. Dean, his brother. The one who had died in his arms so he could live. Not only had Sam destroyed himself, but he also destroyed the gift his brother had given him. And angels had brought Dean back two years ago, and he had stayed away from Sam. Not even just a phone call - something. For two years Sam struggled to overcome dean that he didn't need to.
He could have helped Dean, but no. He was denied. All because Dean thought Sam was happy, but never bothered to ask.
He had almost killed his brother again. Swore that he would. And Sam knew that he could do it so easily. Wanted to do it so badly to make this new pain go away.
The nightmares had returned, only instead of Lilith being the enemy, it was Dean. Sam watched as his own eyes glowed yellow and Dean's were black and he ripped his brother apart and relished in his screams.
He had woken up to an empty hotel room and just curled into himself, trying not to cry. How the vodka bottle had found it's way into his hand, he didn't know. The second one he remembered.
Then he had left the bedroom and went into the streets of DC. His black trench coat covered him in the cold air, also hiding the gun that was in his holster. He just walked around the city, his nightmare and the pain rolling through his mind until finally he sat down on a park bench in the grassy area known as the Mall.
He was no better than any of the demons he hunted. That was something Sam knew deep in his heart, and he tried to make it better. Tried to use his time in CONTROL to make up for the things he had done. But what had he really done?
Dean was back. Angels had chosen him to do something on Earth. And Sam was the Anti Christ. Eventually, the angels were going to have Dean come after Sam, and Sam knew he couldn't handle that.
Dean was back, and Sam couldn't find the part of him that could be happy to know his own brother was alive. He couldn't find the part that should want to wrap his arms around Dean and hold him and cry. Dean had always made jokes about how sensitive he was, but that part had died with Dean, and hadn't come back.
Dean was back, and he didn't want anything to do with Sam. He had a new calling, something that Sam couldn't be a part of... or wasn't welcome to be a part of.
Dean was back. He was the better Winchester in this world. Sam was just the freak boy with the demon blood playing secret agent. And before he could succumb back to the darkness. Before he started to hurt people who he cared about. He loved.
Dean was back, and the world didn't need him anymore. And that was the thought he had as he pulled the gun from his holster and put it under his chin. He closed his eyes, leaning his head back a bit. And for the first time in four years now, he prayed for forgiveness in the hour of his death.
He had spent two years watching Dean Winchester, and he knew that it shouldn't have surprised him how much he and his brother were alike. It was an impossible thing -- one not complete without the other, and yet, even separated, they managed to stand tall, fight what they needed to fight. Their life had been one of hardships for both of them, and yet somehow, this bond between them had managed to both hold them together and break them all at the same time. The light and the darkness -- they held both inside them, neither managing to put the other out, and yet a single demon had managed to throw them both into their moment of greatest despair, all at the same time. It was -- disconcerting. It worried him that the darkness was stronger in them than the angel had anticipated.
Alastair, however, was now dead -- his soul disintegrated through the work of a demon and a very special gun, and now Castiel was forced to try and control the damage he had done before it was too late. Castiel couldn't lose Dean -- not to his own inner demons, and not to Sam's either. Heaven couldn't afford that kind of loss, especially with the challenge they were going to be facing. They were already losing the war as it was -- they couldn't afford to have another set back. Not now. Dean had been distracted long enough by this Alastair business, and now things needed to be rectified.
He was also here for Sam's soul as well. Suicide was a very dangerous sin, one that a soul couldn't seek redemption from. Sam Winchester could still be saved from the things he had done in his past, but should he choose to take his own life, he would be condemning himself in a way Castiel couldn't reverse. And that, the angel feared, would break Dean more than anything else. That guilt would still come to rest on Dean's shoulders, no matter what he or Ruby would say, so Castiel needed to stop Sam before he did something regrettable. However, he was still unsure of the words to start with, other than the standard which we spoken softly and clearly as he stood across from the young man in the park.
"Hello, Sam."
Hearing his name, Sam's eyes shot open and he aimed the gun in the direction of the voice. Couldn't he just be given a moment's peace when he was trying to do something right? He knew he couldn't hide the broken sob or face as he aimed the gun through his tears. "Please just go away," he begged the stranger.
"I'm afraid I can't do that," Castiel replied slowly, sliding his hands into the pocket of his trenchcoat as he moved closer. "Suicide is a very serious sin, Sam. One that is very hard to seek forgiveness for."
How had this person known what he was praying. And his name? "Who are you?" he asked, his hand shaking but he kept the gun aimed.
This gun wouldn't harm him. Castiel knew that, and he just continued to meet Sam's stare coolly, before speaking again. "My name is Castiel. I'm an angel of the Lord." He paused for a moment, before nodding slowly. "I'm the one who raised your brother from perdition."
Sam's eyes widened and his arm just dropped. "You? You brought him back? Why?"
"Because God commanded it." The answer was simple, in and of itself. God commanded him to save Dean Winchester, and Castiel did as instructed. God hadn't, however, commanded that he seek out Ruby's assistance, but then again, the orders had never been terribly specific.
"But why now? And the way he is... it's not my brother in that body." Tears were streaming down Sam's cheeks. "All i ever wanted was my brother back and now he's here but it's not him."
Castiel paused for a moment, before tilting his head to the side as he explained. "Time fluctuates differently in Hell, Sam. For every month that passes here, ten years pass down there. While your brother was only in Hell for two years for you -- he was actually in Hell for two hundred and forty. Even the smallest amount of time in damnation can change a person, and Dean had faced much before his humanity was restored." Castiel paused again. "We needed to be sure he would be willing to face the battles that were to come. But I can assure you, your brother is still there. He just has more of a burden to shoulder."
"It should never have been him in the first place." Sam cupped his head in his hands. "I was the one who was supposed to die. I'm the one who's the freak. He shouldn't have to burden any of this."
"Everything happens for a reason." It was what humans would call a cliche, overused, but it was the truth. "Your brother's path was set before him long before yours was. Some things are unable to be changed, and Dean's death was one of them." Castiel wasn't going to mention that they may have waited too long, allowed Hell much too much time, but what was done was done. He also wasn't going to acknowledge the choice of the word 'freak.' He was well aware of what Sam Winchester was, but he had his role to play as well, and Castiel knew that if word of his brother's death reached Dean's ears, they would lose him completely. Castiel was here to do his best to prevent that. He wouldn't be able to interfere directly, as it was still Sam's choice, but he would try.
"He doesn't want me anymore. He wants me to be happy but I can't be happy. Not after everything I've done. After what I became..."
"Funny. He says the same of you." His tone was dry, and there may have been the slightest hint of a smirk on his lips. He then moved closer, placing a gentle hand on Sam's shoulder. He didn't know how well it would work, given that Dean never seemed to hear him when he said things like this, but Castiel figured it might be worth a shot. Sam had had faith for a long time before now. "You've done great work, Sam. It may not have been -- orthodox -- but that doesn't make it any less great. You won us a valuable battle in the war. That shouldn't be something to be condemned." He was suddenly very glad that it wasn't Uriel having this conversation -- it wouldn't be getting them anywhere. "Not that I'm saying you're -- talents -- should be used for every battle -- but there was a reason that we allowed your and Ruby's work to continue without interfering directly."
Sam just hung his head. "I turned into a monster that day, more than I ever felt before. How can that be great?" Sam looked at Castiel, confused, scared... more emotion than he had ever shown in a long time to someone that wasn't Beth.
Castiel paused for a moment, moving to sit down on the side of the bench next to him, looking out into the emptiness of the park in front of him. "Every day people pass through this park. They live their lives, oblivious to the fact that all around them, demons are trying to undermine their quiet lives and bring about the end of everything that the Father has created. Had you not done what you did to defeat Lilith, thousands more would have died at this point than already have."
He was quiet again for a moment, before turning to face Sam again. "You had the means to end a great evil. You set back plans of the higher levels of Hell months. And you did so without spilling any innocent blood. Your means may not be approved of, but they were nonetheless effective."
"I just wanted my brother back. And when I couldn't get that, I realized how dark those powers were, how I felt... I don't want to be like that anymore." He took a deep breath. "I just want things back the way before Dean died."
"I'm afraid that that's not possible," Castiel replied with a sigh. "However your brother needs you, Sam. He may have made some poor choices, but hurting you was never his intention. All he's been doing has been to save you, even if it doesn't seem like it."
"I don't want him to save me," Sam stated, then hung his head. "I don't know what I want. I don't even feel human anymore."
"This isn't about what you want, Sam," Castiel stated coolly. "And believe it or not -- you are still able to seek redemption for the things you've done, just as your brother is trying to do. No one has ever denied you forgiveness but yourself."
Sam looked at Castiel, uncertain. "How can I? I'm part demon. I'm already damned."
"That was a choice made for you -- not one you made yourself," Castiel sighed. "Absolution is always given to those who seek it and are truly repentant for the sins they've committed. Did you think reconciliation was around just to make people feel better?"
"Dean and I joked that we knew we were going to hell," Sam said softly. "It stopped being a joke when Dad died. We knew. I never thought of anything else."
At this, the angel was confused. "You've always had faith, Sam, and you've always done good work and were repentant for the souls you couldn't save. Even before you learned of Azazel's plans for you, you didn't think that you were meant for something more than damnation?"
"I left this job, hoping for it." Sam let his hands wring together, the gun sitting on his lap. "I went to college, just wanted to be free. But then Azazel killed Jess, and I was tossed back into it and I was never able to find that light again. I know I did good things, but it just kept getting darker and darker, and I crossed lines I didn't think were forgivable."
He closed his eyes a moment. "I don't even remember where I went for those few days I was dead."
"That is irrelevant," Castiel sighed. "Those actions don't matter -- what does matter are the choices you make here, in this world."
Sam nodded. "Will I ever get my brother back? A way that we can be brothers again?"
"Your brother needs hope, Sam," Castiel replied. "He is still human, but his mind is fragile. He's capable of great things, but which side those acts are for depends on you." Castiel paused, before turning to look at him. "He needs to know that you don't see him as a monster. That you have faith in him and that he will do the right thing."
"How can I be of an effect to him when he doesn't want to see me, and I can't see him?"
"It wasn't that he didn't want to see you, Sam -- he didn't want you to see him. Dean feared that he had become what he hunted, despite the fact that he was human again, and he was worried that seeing you would only confirm that for him. Because he has changed, Sam. In ways that cannot, and should not be fixed. And no one but Dean said that you couldn't see him." From his tone, Castiel was probably implying that Dean's orders didn't exactly mean much, but that could easily be left up to interpretation. "Faith can still be given from afar, Sam. It doesn't have to involve having someone at their side every day."
Sam snorted, laughing a bit to himself sadly. "God, even in hell we both follow the same wavelengths."
Castiel smirked slightly. "You'll always be brothers, Sam. Even if it's not the same as it was."
"Do you know how hard it's going to be knowing he's out there somewhere, and knowing he doesn't want to be around me. That I'm afraid to have him around me because I don't want to let him see what I've done?"
"It's not that he doesn't want to be, Sam. He thinks he shouldn't be. For the same reasons that you're afraid for him to be." Humans still confused him to no end, and picking the Winchesters to study weren't making things any easier. "What you allow you and your brother to have is your choice. Dean has no intention in intruding on a life where he isn't welcome anymore. But he still wants to be your brother, Sam, whether you wish for him to be or not."
"Are you telling me then that I should welcome him back and try to understand him and help him?"
"I'm saying that you should find your own way to let Dean know that he doesn't deserve to be hunted. We've been working together long enough for me to have realized that trying to explain things to him won't go over nearly as well." Dean had made his opinion on angels very clearly known. That much wasn't going to change anytime soon. "How you do that is your own choice."
Sam licked his lips a moment. Then he nodded. He could do this. If there was a chance for him to get forgiveness and his brother back, Sam would be able to figure this out and do it. "Can you take him something for me?" Sam looked at Castiel, starting to finally calm down and find his center again.
Castiel looked over at him and nodded firmly. "I can."
Sam reached into his shirt, finding the leather cord around his neck. He hadn't taken it off since dean had died, but it was one of those things that really did belong to Dean. Sam had given it to him as a kid, and it always was a reminder to Dean about how much Sam loved his older brother.
"Give him this. And tell him I'm sorry. And when he's ready, I'll be waiting to talk with him. Hopefully with no demons trying to kill us this time." He held out the necklace to Castiel, the gold protection charm hanging from his hand.
The angel took it in his hand carefully, sliding it into one of the pockets of his trench coat. "I'll see that he gets it."
"Thank you." Sam stood up, putting the gun into his holster. "For everything."
Castiel nodded again. "Good luck, Sam."
Sam went to turn to the angel, but the man was gone. Taking a deep breath, Sam turned to look at the sun starting to rise over the White House. He could do this. It was a new day. He was being given a new start, with promises of things Sam didn't think he would ever have. For the first time in a long time, he actually had hope for his own future. A future that promised to give him back the things and people he had lost. A future that would mean something.
Dean was back. And Sam could help him - Sam would help him, and find a way for them to not have to live through their personal hells any more.
oo