likely_evil | New Year's Pity Party (for oncehunted

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New Year's Pity Party (for oncehunted

ooc: after this and before the smitting

Sam just needed to talk. To think about life and what this new year was going to bring. the last few years had not given him much to look forward to, and this year was not looking any better. In fact, it was looking a hell of a lot worse.

So when Madison offered to just take him somewhere more private and just be with him, he took it. Just to get away. Talk to someone who knew him ~~and wasn't Dean~~. Just... to either get these feelings off his chest, or else forget about them for awhile.

Whatever worked. He just needed to be with someone, and Madison would take care of him.

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He slumped a bit in his seat. "When Dean died... I tried to do whatever I could to get him back. And when that worked, I tried to find out how to kill the demon that did that to him. And I took a walk on the dark side."

He refused to look at her now. "And part of me really doesn't regret it at all, because I was still saving people. Just in a very unnatural way."

She just looked at him sadly, unsure of what she can say to help, especially when he wasn't looking at her at all. She just reached forward, placing her other hand on top of the one she was already holding and squeezing gently.

"How were you doing it? By using your abilities? Is that why they thought you were dangerous?"

He nodded, then looked up at her. She'd see just how lost he felt sometimes from the look in his eyes.

"I'm psychic. And I learned how to rip demons out of humans and send them back to hell with my powers."

Her eyes widened, but she kept her eyes on his, nodding.

"If you're sending demons back to hell and saving people by doing it...isn't that a good thing? Wouldn't they want that?"

"That's my argument. But it's using an unholy gift, and the angels have said that it's basically damning my soul. The whole road to hell paved with good intentions deal."

She was quiet for a long moment as she rubbed the back of his hand gently, making a back and forth motion with her fingertips. Her eyes didn't leave his.

"It sounds to me like you're making the most out of a really screwed-up situation." She gave him a tiny smile. "Which doesn't sound too different from what you were like when I met you."

"I... when I knew I couldn't bring Dean back... I lost it for awhile. Alcohol and just, didn't care if I lived or died. I just wanted to be with Dean."

Tears come to her eyes, but she fights them back, just squeezing his hand again.

"He's your family." She understands, though she's never been in a situation quite like his. It hurts so much to lose someone, and from what she can gather, Dean's all Sam's got.

"So... you can see then why i can't look forward to this year... knowing that there's a good chance I'll go back to that."

Madison nodded. "Yeah. But there's also just as good a chance that you won't. I mean, he's back now, and as for your abilities...you're the only one who can decide if you use them or not, right?"

"Yes. And I stopped for awhile..."

He pulled his hand back, taking his cup because there was the unspoken BUT there

"But...?"

She wasn't pushing, just curious. She wanted to help him.

"The demons know what I can do now. Sometimes... I don't have a choice but have to use them."

She nods. "Like when you're hunting one of them?"

He shook his head. "More like when they are hunting us."

"Oh."

She's not sure what else to say to that.

He didn't really know what else to say so he just stared into his coffee.

"Mad... I just don't think I'm the guy you knew once upon a time. I've taken a far detour on that road I was on... I don't think I can ever go back to that."

She looked down for a long moment before glancing back up at him.

"I don't think you shuld have to. All the things you're living with, have gone through - that's a lot to put on someone. But I don't think you're as far gone as you think you are. You're still doing what you were doing before. You were willing to help me."

He lifted his eyes. "I will always be here for you, Madison." He gave her a small smile.

She smiled back at him, but it was sad.

"You don't...have to be. I mean, I understand why you'd..."

She trailed off, suddenly very interested in her coffee cup.

He bit his lip a moment, then put a hand on her arm.

"Mad, I care about you and I can't just not care anymore. That's not me. I will be here for you. I just... don't know if I can be there for you in that way because I don't want you to get hurt again."

Or die. Which was more what he was thinking.

She looked back at him, the moved her hand to cover his again.

"I'm not asking you to be, if it's not what you want. But you didn't...hurt me before."

She swallowed hard, trying to think of how to word this.

He knew he hadn't hurt her, but the whole werewolf thing... He didn't know what to say so he just squeezed her hand.

Madison felt like she had to say this, get it off her chest. But God, it was hard.

"I...I know it was selfish, in a way, asking you what I asked. I know how much you didn't want to. But I asked you to do that because...because I knew I wouldn't run from you."

She bit her lip, hard, and looked up at him. "And it had to be done. I didn't...I don't want to kill again."

"I wanted to run from it," he told her. "Dean was willing to do it. But..."

Sam took a deep breath and sucked on his lower lip.

"You're not going to kill again, Mad. We don't even know if you're going to turn again."

"...But I'd wanted you to," she said, giving him a brief, sad smile before staring back down at her coffee, determined not to start crying. It took her a moment before she could look back up, but she did after a few deep breaths. She wanted to do more, like apologize to him for doing that, but she couldn't find the words and she really didn't want to start crying.

Her eyes flicked back down for a moment, then up at him again. "And what if I do?"

OOC: Sorry this is so late!

He was trying to do the same and not cry as well. His hand came up to wipe the tear that was starting to form away.

"If you do... then we'll figure it out."

She nodded, wiping at the corners of her own eyes to catch the tears that had leaked out. Her other hand reached forward again, to the center of the table, reaching towards his.

"Okay, Sam."

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New Year's Pity Party (for oncehunted

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