Sam Winchester (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
likely_evil) wrote2008-10-10 12:40 pm
likely_evil) wrote2008-10-10 12:40 pm
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justprompts: Oswald Spengler quote
This is our purpose: to make as meaningful as possible this life that has been bestowed upon us; to live in such a way that we may be proud of ourselves; to act in such a way that some part of us lives on. -Oswald Spengler
I just wanted to help people.
All my life, that's all I've ever done. Dad trained Dean and me to hunt these things down. It is OUR core. OUR purpose. OUR foundation.
Saving people. Hunting things. The family business.
It goes back generations, further than Dean and I even knew. And though the decades now, we've helped so many people... people who would have died if we hadn't come to their rescue. We're not paid for this job.
We just do it because it needs to be done.
I tried to get out of this life and do something different. I had dreams that went beyond the monsters and demons that haunted us. I wanted to be a lawyer, hoping to marry Jess and have a few kids of my own and be the first set of Winchesters in a long time that grew up normal. Get a job as a public defender and got help to people who needed it. I wasn't going to hunt, but I could still help people.
Maybe it would even have made Dad proud after awhile.
But the demons wouldn't leave me alone. Because of my curse. And it seems that anyone I care about lately gets hurt because of this. Mom. Jess. Dad. Dean. So many people are being hurt, all because of Azazel's plans for me. I couldn't help them. I can't change who I am. There's no way I can remove this blood in me. Nothing I can do will ever stop me from being me. I wouldn't be who I am today without all of these events in my life.
I'd give up everything for it never to have happened in the first place.
For Mom to be alive. For Dad to be happy. For Dean to grow up normal. If I could, I would. Every one in my family has sacrificed themselves for each other, and in the end, it's all been about me. And I'm supposed to walk around happy knowing that my family *died* because of me?
It's just not worth it anymore.
I wanted to make this curse worth something. So that none of them died in vain. To prove that I'm not just a freak. I thought that if I could make a difference - if I could save enough people on some cosmic set of judicial scales - that maybe then I would have done something good with this unfortunate set of circumstances that was given to me when I was a baby.
I'm sorry that I failed you.
It has to stop now. Not because it freaks Dean out. He would get used to it. Not because the angels are telling him that God is mad at me. When has God ever stepped in to make *my* life easier? No, it's stopping because I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of trying to be something greater than I am. I'm tired of lying to people, and to myself.
I'm nothing more than a giant freak.
... I just wanted to help people.
I just wanted to help people.
All my life, that's all I've ever done. Dad trained Dean and me to hunt these things down. It is OUR core. OUR purpose. OUR foundation.
Saving people. Hunting things. The family business.
It goes back generations, further than Dean and I even knew. And though the decades now, we've helped so many people... people who would have died if we hadn't come to their rescue. We're not paid for this job.
We just do it because it needs to be done.
I tried to get out of this life and do something different. I had dreams that went beyond the monsters and demons that haunted us. I wanted to be a lawyer, hoping to marry Jess and have a few kids of my own and be the first set of Winchesters in a long time that grew up normal. Get a job as a public defender and got help to people who needed it. I wasn't going to hunt, but I could still help people.
Maybe it would even have made Dad proud after awhile.
But the demons wouldn't leave me alone. Because of my curse. And it seems that anyone I care about lately gets hurt because of this. Mom. Jess. Dad. Dean. So many people are being hurt, all because of Azazel's plans for me. I couldn't help them. I can't change who I am. There's no way I can remove this blood in me. Nothing I can do will ever stop me from being me. I wouldn't be who I am today without all of these events in my life.
I'd give up everything for it never to have happened in the first place.
For Mom to be alive. For Dad to be happy. For Dean to grow up normal. If I could, I would. Every one in my family has sacrificed themselves for each other, and in the end, it's all been about me. And I'm supposed to walk around happy knowing that my family *died* because of me?
It's just not worth it anymore.
I wanted to make this curse worth something. So that none of them died in vain. To prove that I'm not just a freak. I thought that if I could make a difference - if I could save enough people on some cosmic set of judicial scales - that maybe then I would have done something good with this unfortunate set of circumstances that was given to me when I was a baby.
I'm sorry that I failed you.
It has to stop now. Not because it freaks Dean out. He would get used to it. Not because the angels are telling him that God is mad at me. When has God ever stepped in to make *my* life easier? No, it's stopping because I'm tired of it all. I'm tired of trying to be something greater than I am. I'm tired of lying to people, and to myself.
I'm nothing more than a giant freak.
... I just wanted to help people.