likely_evil | musesandlyrics: Making Everything New

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musesandlyrics: Making Everything New

"What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment. And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new. Right now."

He stayed close to the door, because Sam knew the moment those hazel eyes in the bed opened, he needed to get out of there. Dean was in that bed because of him. Dean had let himself get beaten to hell and it was all Sam's fault.

Sam wished he could blame someone else. Blame Alistair for beating Dean into a pulp. Blame Ruby for getting him hooked again. Blame Dad for dying and leaving Sam to face a world he hadn't been ready to. Blame Dean for not just letting Sam take his punishment.

But no, it was Sam's fault. He hadn't cared what his path did to him, but seeing Dean like this... He couldn't help but stand there and shake.

"Dean... I'm sorry..." he said softly, wiping his face on the sleeve of his hoodie. Cas had left him here to watch over Dean for the night while Pam took care of his injuries. Thinking that it would save him from hearing the two of them - or Pam's idea of trying to make Sam laugh - he had agreed to stay. Now he wasn't sure it was a good idea.

"That shouldn't be you. You shouldn't have done that, Dean. He wouldn't have hurt you if you just walked away. You should have just walked away."

His face scrunched up and his hand hit the wall behind him absently. "Why do you always have to be the martyr? You keep punishing yourself for everyone else's choices. This was what I did. I should have paid for it. I lost the money. I fucked up. I didn't ASK you to do this, and I didn't WANT you to."

He wiped his eyes again, not getting any response from the unconscious body in the bed, and for that he was grateful. "You were just supposed to let me go, Dean. Get something good in your life and not screw it up because you felt you had to take care of me."

His back was against the wall and he didn't bother to wipe away the tears. "I want to be good, Dean. I want to stay clean this time but I can't tell you that. You won't believe me. You left me in that place and they let me go and didn't care. I can't do this on my own, but I can't do it with you either. You can't protect me from this like it's a schoolyard bully."

Biting his lip, Sam slid to the ground. "I just want us to be like it was before. We were happy. I was in school and you were working with Dad and we were happy. Why did you let Dad get killed, Dean? Why couldn't we just have stayed happy?"

He stayed there, working to get himself back together as the electronic beep of Dean's heart stayed steady. Finally, Sam pushed himself to his feet. "You need to be happy, Dean. You can't be happy with me like this. But I'm going to get better. I promise. I won't make this have been in vain, ok? Just, give me time and I can do it. I know I can. I'll... I need to go get something to drink but I'll be back."

The doctors told him he might get shaky when his body was close to craving, so he needed to get something to drink at those points. Something he likes to drink, like soda or coffee or milk. It would help with the drug cravings, and he had a few dollars in his pockets to get something from the machines.

He stopped in the door and looked back at his brother, then gave him a small smile. "Just... don't go anywhere."

Sam is technically not a part of Muses & Lyrics as his application is still pending, but he really fell in love with this prompt and had to reply. I hope he's official soon :)

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Jo wasn't exactly sure what she was doing here. She hadn't spoken to Dean Winchester in years. Just stopping in to say "hi" and "how are you feeling" wasn't really something that made sense, but she was here at the hospital anyway.

She wasn't surprised to spot Cas lurking in the waiting room but besides a short nod in her direction he didn't really acknowledge her. She nodded in return and continued down to Dean's room only to find Sam standing outside of it.

There was no where to run, no where to hide so she swallowed and managed an awkward smile.

"Hey, Sam."

Sam skidded to a stop, swallowing and quickly wiping at his face. He knew he probably looked awful - skin, bones, uncut hair and he had just been crying - so he quickly looked away.

"Hi. Cas told me you were his partner now." He bit his lip unconsciously and his hands slid into his hoodie.

Yeah, he looked like Hell and like most of the junkies she'd seen on the streets. Jesus, he had gone far from the boy she remembered.

"Just until Dean's back on his feet." She put her hands in her back pockets, trying not to look too casual, but casual enough.

"Your Dad would be proud. Getting to be a detective and all like him."

He couldn't meet her eyes. The last time he had seen her... it was a different lifetime. He had been good then, and not like this.

"I.. I need to get something to drink from the machine. You can go visit now..." he ducked his head down further, trying to make a quick escape.

"Yeah, that's what everyone's been saying."

She bit her lower lip for a second. She didn't really want him to go, but it wasn't like she had an excuse to make him stay. But maybe she had a way to go with him.

"I was going to grab a coffee before I stop in, mind a little company?"

He shrugged his shoulder a bit. "I don't mind. Do you mind being seen with me?"

"Mind being seen with you?" She frowned at him. "It's not like my mom's here. Why would I mind?"

"Because in the end your mom was right. I am trouble." He shook his head. "All these doctors know exactly who I am and what I did to myself. And why Dean's in there because of me. They don't like me much."

"Yeah well, I don't like doctors much. And since when do I listen to my mom." She thought about punching his arm, like she used to back when she didn't know what to do about her crush on him but just started walking towards the vending machines.

"Are you coming, Winchester?"

He licked his lips, then followed behind, his hands going deeper into his pockets. He was trying to make himself as small as he could, which was hard for the six foot four beanpole.

He finally got to the machine and wondered what he should get. His mouth was dry, so coffee probably wouldn't be a good idea. "It's been a long time since the last time I saw you... how have you been?"

She went straight for the coffee machine, punching buttons and waiting patiently for watery and probably crappy coffee.

"Not bad, I guess. Mom and I aren't talking. Again, but I did just get promoted so." She shrugged.

"Yeah, and filling in for Dean probably doesn't help. But... thank you for helping find him."

He finally chose a grape soda. Just enough sugar and no caffeine.

"Yeah, well, you probably know what it's like trying to fill your brother's shoes." She sighed and picked up her coffee. "I swear I spent half this week just sitting in the car."

"I stopped trying to be Dean years ago, Jo." He struggled with the cap to open it. "Maybe if I hadn't, it wouldn't be like this right now."

She watched him struggle and thought about offering help, but he probably didn't want it. "I know you're pretty down on yourself, but it's not like Dean's life is actually that great you know."

Finally he slipped his hand into the sleeve and used it to help open the soda. Which he then proceeded to drop said cap and sighed, bending down to fish it out from under the machine.

"He's in that bed right now because of me. I think that's a pretty good reasoning that I'm a reasoning in his crappy life."

"He's in bed because some psycho wailed on him," she said, rolling her eyes. "You shouldn't blame yourself for Alastair. Dean's not the first guy he's worked over."

Sam stopped moving, looking at the floor. "They didn't tell you, did they?"

"I'm the new girl, they don't tell me anything." She frowned at him.

Sam shifted his legs so that he was sitting on the ground, looking down at the bottle he held between his legs.

"I was working for Alistair in return for drugs. I messed up a deal, and he nearly killed me, and then paraded me out to get Dean to trade himself."

Jo sat down next to him, leaning back against the vending machine.

"Sam," Jo said quietly, looking down at her coffee. "What happened? I mean, in school you were always the one telling me to do my homework and making me be responsible."

"I don't know. Dad died and nothing felt right. I couldn't focus, and I was so mad, and it just... it made the pain go away."

Jo was quiet for a moment. "My dad died on the job too, you know. You could have come to me."

"I know. I made a mistake, and I didn't know how far I had gone until it was too late. I tried to get out, Jo. I tried but every time I just..."

He wiped at his eyes again and shook his head. "Everyone was just better off without me ruining their lives."

"Yeah, I hear a lot of that. You're not the only person out there who got in too far."

She looked over at him, "You never ruined mine, you know."

"Your Mom got in the way of that before I could. First of many guns I've stared down in the last few years."

"Yeah, Mom, she's done great for me. Scaring off my only friend. That was real nice of her."

"She was just trying to protect you. You can't blame her for that. I don't."

"I didn't need protecting. I needed a friend." It had been too long for her to say what she was thinking, that she needed him.

Sam looked over at her, his hazel eyes peering through his long shaggy bangs. "I never stopped being your friend."

She hesitated for a moment before reaching out and brushing his bangs back. "Does that mean you're willing to be my friend now?"

He closed his eyes. The only person who had touched him gently in years was Ruby. But this was Jo, who he had loved for a long time and never really told her, and then it was too late.

"I'd like to. I... I've got a lot of issues to work through... and I could use a friend."

"You've got a friend, Sam," she said softly. "Whenever you need me."

He gave her a small, sad smile and then scooted over a bit so he could lean against her, his head on her shoulder.

"Thank you."

She rested her cheek against the top of his head, just like they had done back in high school when everything had been fine.

"Always."

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musesandlyrics: Making Everything New

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